Portal of, it will never be enough

Grave decorations, posting pictures, walking/donating for March of Dimes, blogging, keepsakes, writing letters, cards, etc. will never be enough.  None of these will be enough to bring you back to me.  As much as I keep trying and depending on ways to show affection and love to her, none of them will give me Claire. None will put her in my arms where she belongs.  In moments of pure desperation I often feel a sickening in my stomach when I realize that beyond love, hope, prayers, and faith there is nothing else I can do to get that little girl here with me.  I know that I will keep searching for ways to connect, keep buying her little mementos and sharing her story, but all at the cost of shear hope she can see it and feel it.  It's raining AGAIN today which always puts a damper on my mood.  Blah!  I hate the rain, the grayness in the sky, the smell of rain in the air.  I just hate it.  I know it is necessary for survival of many things on this Earth.  It is essential in the growth of the grass, trees, flowers, etc.  But hell right now I couldn't care less if the flowers bloomed this year.  Shopping for patio decor I can't help but cringe at the mere sight of a porch swing.  I had so many plans for myself, Claire, and a porch swing.  I pictured us out in the sun, swinging in a gentle breeze with the smell of fresh lilac in the air.  I pictured her gulping down her bottle and wearing tiny little sunglasses. A girl has got to have her shades.  I had my maternity leave all planned out.

Now, there is no maternity leave. There is no porch swing.  There is not a damn thing to look forward to.

Well, I guess I can't say that.  I am looking forward to trying again, well a little some days and a lot others.  It's a scary feeling now.  Will I carry to term?  Will the baby be healthy?  Will I even get pregnant again?  So many questions with God being the only one knowing the answers.

Where is the crystal ball that actually works?  I guess I'll splurge on a Magic 8 ball and just try that route.  It'll be just as much guesswork.

Screw porch swings.  Fuck you rain.