Bittersweet Birthday

Today is Brandon's birthday.  But, it comes with a terrible twist.

Today was Claire's due date.  How sad is it that Brandon has to remember this date as the due date of a daughter born too early and not surviving?  It's sickening.

If Claire hadn't fallen victim to that horrible infection, I would have either already had her sometime this week or be so fat that I couldn't drive myself to work.

Brandon and I talked about that last night.  We figured I would have to get a ride to work or take a cab. No matter what I would have waddled my fat butt into work until Claire said "It's time!"

Today I sit here at work, not pregnant, and totally devastated that I am not.  Later, we will celebrate his birthday by driving to the cemetery.

What have I done so wrong in my life to deserve this?

I mean, I know I have made poor choices, mistakes, and I am not the mirror image of a saint.  But, I am not a bad person.  I have a good heart, I am responsible, I am a good mom.  I could beat myself up but I could not in one million years figure it out.  Even more so, what did Claire do to deserve this?

What an endless road of sorrow.

During the week, we have tried to make the best of his birthday.  We did have cake and ice cream with the kids.  I got Brandon a new facial/hair trimmer set.  The one he had been using appeared as if it could burn the house down if it was plugged in again.  He was happy to get the new one.

Last night, we took Darrell and his friend Jacob from preschool to Big Bounce.  They had a lot of fun wearing each other out.

Tonight we are going to see Claire, and head to Hobby Lobby to get some decorations for her grave for the 4th of July.  We will have all our kiddos that weekend and they will want to visit her.  Tomorrow, we are going out to dinner with Brandon's mom and stepdad.  Sunday, we get to go to the Casino.  Honestly, this is more for Brandon than myself.  I really don't like gambling. But hey, that probably stems from the fact that all of my prior attempts failed.  I never win anything.

Here are some pics from the week.  Also, Claire got a visit from her cousin Ellie yesterday.  I think this picture is so cute.  They would have been best friends.

                                                     Brandon's card from me.

                                                    Brandon's card from the kids

                                           Brandon's birthday cake.

                                                    Kids putting Brandon's candles on.

                                                    Brandon blowing out his candles (And Darrell too from a far)

                                          Darrell and his best friend from school, Jacob.

                                                    Big Bounce!

So much to talk about.....not enough time to type it all!

Wow!  This week has been something else!  And....it's only Wednesday.  I am blown away, well almost, let me start with this.

Yesterday, I was sitting here in my office, at work. A local policeman walks in the door frantically, and says "There is a tornado that has been spotted about 10 minutes west of here, take cover immediately."  Now, anyone that knows me well knows that my #2 fear is Tornadoes.  I just can't handle it.  I've never seen one in plain sight but I have seen pictures, watched the news, know people whose homes have been devastated by those suckers, and well, that is enough for me.

Then....the sirens.

I swear I stopped breathing for a minute.  I grabbed my phone and WeatherBug starts going off on my phone.  TORNADO WARNING, INDIANAPOLIS TAKE COVER IMMEDIATELY".

Looked outside and it was nice and bright.  I saw nothing.  Two minutes later, I saw a wall cloud.  I about crapped my pants.  Thats no joke.

I started calling my husband, my mom, and my best friend.  They turned on the news and they all freaked. My mom told me to find a safe place and call her back.

We lost power, and it became quiet.  Not a sound.  Sirens stopped.  About five minutes later, I peek outside and no one is around.  Usually, the plaza I work in is surrounded by patrons.  No one was around.  I felt like I had a starring role in The Walking Dead.

Then my phone reported a confirmed tornado 3.5 miles away from my office.  That one picked up a person's home and sat it down on another home.  Luckily, no one was home at either residence.

I can go the rest of my life without that happening again.

Brandon's surgery was a success, he is home for the next 6-8 weeks recuperating/being a couch potato.  His short-term disability pays 100%, thankfully.  Knowing that I think he will baby his wound a little longer. He can't drive, mow, pick up more than a gallon of anything, and he is bored.  On top of that he is texting me constantly.  Poor guy.  At least he will feel better soon.

Friday is his birthday.  Friday is also a very sad day for us.  It's Claire's due date.  The whole family is just not sure what to do or say.  Brandon just wants to go to see Claire.  I am glad.  So Friday we will be Claire Bear bound.  I have ordered him and her some balloons.

Darrell got his kindergarten shots Monday.  Three shots to be exact.  Boy was he unhappy.  Dairy Queen afterwards did turn the frown upside down.  Other than that, he is growing like a weed.  He is 5 years old and almost 4 feet tall.  So, like the doctor said.  He is a tall boy.  Finally, he was prescribed a stronger med for his allergies.

Tonight we are having dinner at my mother and father in-laws house.  And we are going to have some cake for Brandon.

To top it all off.  I received some very good news from a dear friend last evening.  She suffered a loss of two boys (twins) in the early part of the year.  It has been a rough year for her.  We both lost our babies due to chorioamnionitis.  She contacted me to let me know she is pregnant!!!!!!  Looks like the twins were looking out for her.  I am so elated for her.  She and her hubby are very deserving.  When she reads this she will know I am talking about her.  I am so happy for you and the hubs!  You got this!  Stay strong, stay positive, and keep faith.  The boys, the husband and the baby on the way are lucky to have you.

Daddy's surgery/Puff the Magic Dragon

Daddy's surgery was this morning.  His back and legs had been killing him due to herniated discs in his lower spinal region.  They cleaned out the disc material between discs 4 and 5.  He was in surgery about 2 hours and in recovery for an hour.  Immediately upon making it to his room he asked for a steak dinner.  Hospital stays equal steak cravings for him.  He already feels relief!  That's amazing!!!  I'm happy for him.  It's only half way thru 2014 and we have been through so much.  Losing Claire, two surgeries for him and my mental state has changed....a lot.  I can be fine one minute and a train wreck the next.  My Zoloft script is over.  It's back to trying to have my own brain work for me.   We will see how that works out.  Or doesn't.

We got him registered at 8 am sharp.  They took him back and said they would get me soon.  I waited, gagged down a cup of coffee that was strong enough to give a mannequin an erection, and then they brought me to his pre-surgery room.   I'm not in there ten minutes and a baby is born.  They played Puff the Magic Dragon.  Nurse says "A baby was just born".  It was a boy.  I guess they play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star when a girl is born.  I cried while the song played.

FML.....

Claire would be here right about now.  Her due date is the 27th.  I should be laying in a hospital bed, not Brandon.   Again....FML.

He is not the easiest to care for after surgery.  Can be whiny, needy, a tad bit bossy.  Love him so much though.

No period since March 25th.  Blood work proved I'm not pregnant.  Started Provera today.  I need to have a flipping period.   I'm so bloated the kids could use me as a bounce house.

All of the elevators at this hospital smell like people have been smoking marijuana in them.  I'd say it's the employees.

Sure could have used that when I heard Puff the Magic Dragon.  I would have puffed on that dragon for sure.

Mommy made the Dean's List

Got the call and the email today!  Claire, I hope you are proud of me.

I love you.

Congratulations, Kristin! You are receiving this email because of your outstanding academic performance in making the Dean's List at Ivy Tech Community College. This achievement means that you may be eligible for membership in The National Society of Collegiate Scholars (NSCS). Fewer than 10 percent of students at Ivy Tech Community College will qualify for membership in NSCS each year, so if indeed you are eligible, you should be very proud of your accomplishment. In addition to the prestige of membership, other benefits include access to more than a million dollars in scholarships each year, career and internship opportunities, member-exclusive discounts, as well as study abroad and leadership development opportunities. Plus, you will join a global network of over one million high achievers, which includes numerous Rhodes Scholars and hundreds of Fulbright Scholars. NSCS has more than 300 chapters across the country, including those at Princeton University, Dartmouth College, UCLA, Cornell University, and the University of Michigan. NSCS is the premier honor society inviting high-achieving first-and-second-year undergraduates, with a minimum GPA of 3.4. Membership is for a lifetime, and will serve you for your entire academic career and long after you graduate. We are currently looking for successful high-achieving and deserving students, like you, to join as founding members. To join, visit www.nscs.org/join and enter the unique login information below: Username: KMIL42E66DL1 Deadline: July 2, 2014 Lifetime Membership Fee: $95 Again, congratulations on your achievement, and we look forward to welcoming you into our society. Best, Kimberly King Member Relations Coordinator The National Society of Collegiate Scholars If you have questions about NSCS, e-mail us at nscs@nscs.org, ask NSCS members on our Facebook page, www.facebook.com/nscs94, or check out our Twitter feed, @nscs. *************************************************************** About this E-mail: You have been identified by your college as an academically successful student who meets the criteria for NSCS membership.Click here to unsubscribe from NSCS emails

Cuatro meses

Four months ago today, Claire ascended to Heaven, leaving behind all those who loved, cherished, and waited for her to be born.  Four months ago today, I sat in a hospital room very ill, holding the body of my daughter.  Oh how I wanted her sooooo bad.  She was my first biological daughter.  She was my priceless beauty.  With all the wonderful things I would have done for her, God found he could do better.  I pray today that even as time goes by she will know that the time that does go by, goes by much more painfully, simply because she isn't here.  I pray that she knows my heart and can feel my love from where she is. I wander around inside my own mind trying to find a reason, and yet there is none.  I will not know, until that day I see her again.  But, until that time, baby girl, please know that your mommy, daddy, sister, and brothers do love you and we will never ever stop.

Happy 4 months in Heaven Claire Bear.  You are my angel.

- Mom -

When HE hurts.....

I swear I can't stand to see Brandon in pain.  He just shuts down and the look on his face is unbearable.  He seems so frozen, so protected, and very withdrawn.  This past weekend was Father's Day weekend.  We spent Sunday with all of our kids.  When I say all, I mean ALL.  We went to the cemetery, and we saw Claire.  We left her a cross, a keychain, balloons, and a beautiful card.  Her resting place is so charming. Almost too charming, as if what is there isn't anything sad at all.  I remind myself that a few feet below lays a casket with a small baby inside, wrapped in a soft blue and pink blankie, holding pictures of her mommy and daddy, sister and brothers.  She lies there still, a spirit on the loose in heaven, showering the Earth with rainbows, holding Jesus' hand.  All while she catches my tears, and watches me hurt for her.

When we visited her this weekend, he held me tight and we told the kids to go sit back in the car after a while.  I looked up at his blank face, I asked him if he was ok.  His response? Nothing.  He just kept staring at her grave, grimacing, a tear flowed down his cheek.  Finally, a response.  "She would be due right about now", and I would have all my kids here with me".

This man is devastated.  He just shows it differently than I do.

We left, and the kids told her bye.

To think of it, I've only ever been able to say bye.  She was gone in three minutes after birth, I've only ever been able to say bye.

Here are some pictures from seeing her this weekend.

This cluster of a blog is presented to you by.....

A super busy mom.

Yes, I am in fact a super busy mom.  With a super busy brain, and a super worn out body.  I've been meaning to blog over the last week and have failed miserably.  So much has gone on.  I've been promoted. My husband goes for back surgery in less than two weeks.  He has been working major overtime so I have been taking all the kids basically by myself.  With a ten, seven, and five year old, you get slammed busy and the next thing you know it's a week later.  Yes, in my last sentence I mentioned a five year old.  Yep!  My little man is now FIVE.  His birthday was June 4th and his party was June 8th.  Over the course of the last week I've had a stepdaughter in the hospital with hives all over her body due to a severe allergic reaction to root beer of all things, a birthday party at my sons preschool, a birthday party for him at our home with friends and family, a day at a local Waterpark with all the kids, the hubby and his younger sis.  Not to mention I am redesigning the office interior and making some exterior changes, hired a new salesman, Phil, to get us some new clients, so I have been training him.  Phew...this momma is tired.

With all that being said,  I've been busy but I still miss Claire terribly.  There are still moments of unbearable pain in my heart.  The month of June has arrived and with that brings my son turning five, my husband having back surgery, and my daughter Claire's due date that she never saw.  Claire's due date was June 27th.  That happens to also be my husbands birthday.  That will be a bad day for him.  I will have to work and he will be sitting at home alone after surgery and thinking about her.



It's raining today, which always leads to a depressed version of me.  I wanted my daughter so bad.  I had so many plans, my family had so many plans.  Last weekend would have been my baby shower.  I remember after Claire was born and passed away, my best friend cancelled my shower.  I remember seeing it on facebook.  What a gut punch.  My baby died and there would be no more celebration.

Two weekends ago my husband and I visited Claire at dusk.  I wanted to see how her grave looks at night.  I try to light it up, make it a light show of sorts.  I think I succeeded.  I hope so.  What does a mom do when she has a baby she loves but cannot touch, kiss, hold, snuggle, rock, feed, bathe?  I spoil her the best that I can.  I have a grave to visit, memories, and hopes.  I don't have much else.  I am a mother with nothing in my arms.  Just a sad, sad, mom.  I struggle to breathe at times.

Here is a picture of her grave at night.  Hers is the most lit up in the cemetery.

Here are some pictures from Darrell's birthday weekend.

A picture with his preschool teacher, Miss Trisha.

                                                    Mario and Luigi cupcakes for his party at school.
                                 

                                                    I'm 5 today!

                                                   On the waterslide.

 
                                          Darrell's Birthday cake....he loves Mario Kart.

                                         Matthew on the Flow Rider.

                                         Matthew, my stepson (left), Abbi, my sister in law (middle)
                                         Katelyn my stepdaughter (right), Darrell, my son (front)

All the kids and my husband on the lazy river.

                                                   Mr. Big Stuff at the Waterpark.

                                                    Papa and Mama Bear

                                                    Darrell being lazy on the lazy river.

                                          The boys

                                          The girls (minus Claire)

                                                    Darrell and Uncle Craig at his party.

                                                    Balloon release for Claire after the party.

                                                   Darrell and Matthew's balloons for Claire.

After the party, Darrell and Matthew decided that they wanted to send some balloons to heaven for Claire.  I love it that they think of her.

To further my depression, my son starts Kindergarten, July 31st.  I am getting old.  I'm trying to figure out my work hours to where I can get him on the bus every morning.

I haven't had a period since March 25th.  Negative pregnancy tests.  Another doctor appointment on June 17th.  I really need to get my body figured out.  In July we are going to start trying to get pregnant again.  Doctors said we could start in July.  No idea how that is going to happen with an absent period.  Definitely don't know how it is going to happen with a husband recovering from back surgery.  He may be performing below the radar if ya know what I mean.

On a pain note.  I have a tooth that is K I L L I N G me!  I mean beat your head into a door killing me.  I mean Bonnie and Clyde kind of killing me.  I'm in such bad shape and I fear the dentist.  I need a root canal, badly.  When you take a loratab 10, four Aleve and a Naproxen and still can't sleep, there is an issue.

Nitrous please!

Last night, it was unbearable, so I OD'd on some pain meds and finally fell asleep.  In a nice, eventual slumber I was awakened to find my husband asking me if I was ok.  OMG I wanted to take him out right then and there.  He knows and everyone close to me knows not to wake me up from sleep.  You will feel the wrath of me.  I will be a total witch.  Please don't make me cast a spell.  I told him to leave me alone and go to bed.  Said he checked on me four more times last night.  He didn't ask me if I was ok those times. Guess biting his head off kept him from asking.



Miss you Claire. Mommy is coming to visit this weekend.  You are my heart.