This cluster of a blog is presented to you by.....

A super busy mom.

Yes, I am in fact a super busy mom.  With a super busy brain, and a super worn out body.  I've been meaning to blog over the last week and have failed miserably.  So much has gone on.  I've been promoted. My husband goes for back surgery in less than two weeks.  He has been working major overtime so I have been taking all the kids basically by myself.  With a ten, seven, and five year old, you get slammed busy and the next thing you know it's a week later.  Yes, in my last sentence I mentioned a five year old.  Yep!  My little man is now FIVE.  His birthday was June 4th and his party was June 8th.  Over the course of the last week I've had a stepdaughter in the hospital with hives all over her body due to a severe allergic reaction to root beer of all things, a birthday party at my sons preschool, a birthday party for him at our home with friends and family, a day at a local Waterpark with all the kids, the hubby and his younger sis.  Not to mention I am redesigning the office interior and making some exterior changes, hired a new salesman, Phil, to get us some new clients, so I have been training him.  Phew...this momma is tired.

With all that being said,  I've been busy but I still miss Claire terribly.  There are still moments of unbearable pain in my heart.  The month of June has arrived and with that brings my son turning five, my husband having back surgery, and my daughter Claire's due date that she never saw.  Claire's due date was June 27th.  That happens to also be my husbands birthday.  That will be a bad day for him.  I will have to work and he will be sitting at home alone after surgery and thinking about her.



It's raining today, which always leads to a depressed version of me.  I wanted my daughter so bad.  I had so many plans, my family had so many plans.  Last weekend would have been my baby shower.  I remember after Claire was born and passed away, my best friend cancelled my shower.  I remember seeing it on facebook.  What a gut punch.  My baby died and there would be no more celebration.

Two weekends ago my husband and I visited Claire at dusk.  I wanted to see how her grave looks at night.  I try to light it up, make it a light show of sorts.  I think I succeeded.  I hope so.  What does a mom do when she has a baby she loves but cannot touch, kiss, hold, snuggle, rock, feed, bathe?  I spoil her the best that I can.  I have a grave to visit, memories, and hopes.  I don't have much else.  I am a mother with nothing in my arms.  Just a sad, sad, mom.  I struggle to breathe at times.

Here is a picture of her grave at night.  Hers is the most lit up in the cemetery.

Here are some pictures from Darrell's birthday weekend.

A picture with his preschool teacher, Miss Trisha.

                                                    Mario and Luigi cupcakes for his party at school.
                                 

                                                    I'm 5 today!

                                                   On the waterslide.

 
                                          Darrell's Birthday cake....he loves Mario Kart.

                                         Matthew on the Flow Rider.

                                         Matthew, my stepson (left), Abbi, my sister in law (middle)
                                         Katelyn my stepdaughter (right), Darrell, my son (front)

All the kids and my husband on the lazy river.

                                                   Mr. Big Stuff at the Waterpark.

                                                    Papa and Mama Bear

                                                    Darrell being lazy on the lazy river.

                                          The boys

                                          The girls (minus Claire)

                                                    Darrell and Uncle Craig at his party.

                                                    Balloon release for Claire after the party.

                                                   Darrell and Matthew's balloons for Claire.

After the party, Darrell and Matthew decided that they wanted to send some balloons to heaven for Claire.  I love it that they think of her.

To further my depression, my son starts Kindergarten, July 31st.  I am getting old.  I'm trying to figure out my work hours to where I can get him on the bus every morning.

I haven't had a period since March 25th.  Negative pregnancy tests.  Another doctor appointment on June 17th.  I really need to get my body figured out.  In July we are going to start trying to get pregnant again.  Doctors said we could start in July.  No idea how that is going to happen with an absent period.  Definitely don't know how it is going to happen with a husband recovering from back surgery.  He may be performing below the radar if ya know what I mean.

On a pain note.  I have a tooth that is K I L L I N G me!  I mean beat your head into a door killing me.  I mean Bonnie and Clyde kind of killing me.  I'm in such bad shape and I fear the dentist.  I need a root canal, badly.  When you take a loratab 10, four Aleve and a Naproxen and still can't sleep, there is an issue.

Nitrous please!

Last night, it was unbearable, so I OD'd on some pain meds and finally fell asleep.  In a nice, eventual slumber I was awakened to find my husband asking me if I was ok.  OMG I wanted to take him out right then and there.  He knows and everyone close to me knows not to wake me up from sleep.  You will feel the wrath of me.  I will be a total witch.  Please don't make me cast a spell.  I told him to leave me alone and go to bed.  Said he checked on me four more times last night.  He didn't ask me if I was ok those times. Guess biting his head off kept him from asking.



Miss you Claire. Mommy is coming to visit this weekend.  You are my heart.