March of Dimes Banding Together

Created a band for Claire today.  March of Dimes emailed me saying all the marches were done for 2014 but there are still more ways to donate.  One of them is the Banding Together movement.  I went ahead and started one for my little girl.  You can print a certificate as well, and I think it's a cool addition for blogs/facebook/scrapbooking.

http://www.marchofdimes.com/prematurity/b_new.asp?band_id=73172&status=1&source_id=1030546&new_band=y

You can go to that link to access Claire's and start your own.

I think it's pretty cool.  I like to do what I can in memory of my daughter.

It's try to get me knocked up week

Well......knowing me, my eggs look like this.  Silly, crazy, goofy, etc.  Which is fine, as long as they don't try hiding from Brandon's sperm.  This week is my fertile time.  Mama's got a egg goin' tubing.  In fact, based on my Ovia app, I'm a 10/10 on the fertile scale today.

What does this mean?

It means Brandon's getting laid.

We are both ready to try again.  We are both still scared as hell.  But, you never know until you try again.

Also, if I am to get pregnant this month, we will have an April baby and right now, there is no one in the family with an April birthday.  That would make our household birthdays line up like this.

February 16th - Me
February 17th - Claire
March 9th - Katelyn
April - Baby Miller
May - No birthdays
June 4th - Darrell
June 27th - Brandon
August 21st - Matthew

My fertile days started last Friday so we have been bumping uglies every other day since.

I already know the girl name if I get pregnant with a girl.  It will be Molly.  I never saw the name Claire on anything until she passed away and now it's everywhere.  Like everywhere.  Like on advertisements, television.  And guess what other name is always advertised with it?  Yep, Molly. Heck, when I visited Pottery barn kids, there was a backpack with the name Claire embroidered on it, right next to it was one with Molly.  I mean, if that isn't a sign I don't know what is.

I promised Claire that if I have another girl, I would give her the middle name Claire.  I will hold up that deal.

Here's to hoping I'm preggo soon.

I'm not crazy...I'm just a little "unwell"

I'm super sluggish today.  I'm also having a bad "Claire" day.  It seems like everything I am thinking of today I am minusing her out of.  

Darrell starts kindergarten soon.......Claire will never start school.

Planning a trip to Holiday World.....Claire will never splash around or ride a ride.

Fall/Winter clothes shopping...........The cutest clothes that Claire will never wear.

And then I did it.  I started writing her name down, and that turned into visiting the Babiesrus website.  That in turn led me to look for the crib bedding and room decor I had picked for her.  

That spelled disaster.  I downloaded the picture and then I just went downhill.  I mean I need a personal day now kind of downhill.

This was the bedding I had chosen for her.  I was going to hang victorian bird cages and paint them white.  

So many plans, and just to be shattered. 

This bedding set is called "Love birds".

TTC again, awaiting a rainbow!

Since the Provera worked and I had my "Period", we have been given the go ahead on "trying again".  I hate how that sounds.  It sure makes it sound like "It failed last time, wanna try again?"

MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.

Brandon and I both want to parent again.  We realize that we are parents to four children.  Matthew, Katelyn, Darrell, and Claire.  Our youngest surviving child is Darrell, who is now five.  I have to parent Claire from Earth while she plays in Heaven.  So that type of parenting is different.

I miss the entire scenario and want it again.  Hopefully God wants it for us as well.  While I am not sure why he would have taken Claire, he did, and well he is God, so it's not like I can go to a higher up and complain.
There is no higher up.

My fertile window is July 20-25.  I've got my ovulation calendar going, all my documentation in my Ovia app.  Now I will just buy my opk's in a few days and start jumping my husbands bones.

I don't think he will complain.  We are excited yet scared to try again.  We can't let fear dictate our lives so we are pressing on, hoping for a rainbow.

I am the face of child loss

My t-shirt arrived a few days ago.  Yes, yes, I am the face of child loss.  The face of "What the hell happened to me, her, us?"

Picnicking with Claire

Yesterday, my husband and I decided that after I got off work we would pick Claire up some flowers, and some dinner, some chairs and go have a picnic with her.  It was a beautiful sunny day, a little chilly, but the breeze, the sun, the blue sky and the clouds just floating by brought me so much relief while we visited her. We also recently placed her message board there so people who visit can leave her a message.

It seemed like she was there.  I talked to her and I had this overwhelming feeling that she was there watching, listening, and calming me.  I brought out a jar with chalk so that visitors can write to her.  We left a nice note ourselves.

It's a small world.  On my way to see Claire, I stopped at Walmart (a.k.a. money sucking store), and bought her a bouquet of flowers.  When I was checking out, the cashier asked me how I was.  I said I was fine. Then I thought to myself, "That is a lie, I am not fine".  I guess I said it out loud.  She then asked me to tell her why I wasn't fine.  I responded with, "I could tell you but then you will probably wish that I didn't".  She said "Go ahead and let it out".  I pointed at Claire's flowers and said, "I am taking those to my daughter's grave".  She said the normal "I'm so sorry".  But then she asked where Claire was buried.  I paused, not sure if I wanted to say and then told her.  Turns out her sister is buried three rows up in the same section as Claire. Her sister passed away at seventeen.  She died in a car accident.  I got the name and my husband went looking for the grave.  He found it just steps away from Claire.  In a world of nearly 8 billion people, it just seems so small at times.  This was one of those times.

We ate with our daughter.  Just us.  As we left I blew her a kiss.  And I cried.

Here are some picnic photos.

                                          Brandon got me another charm for my pandora bracelet.  This one is Claire.

                                         The way the light was shining down on her was amazing.  It took my breath away.  At that moment the sun was shining on her and only her.

Darrell is off to Kindergarten

On Friday, July 11th, 2014, Darrell graduated preschool from Firm Foundations Academy.  He received a certificate of completion and had a party with cake.  It's hard to believe that my little guy is off to elementary school.  He is such a booger.  I love him so much.  He is a great big brother to his sister Claire.  

Our weekend with Claire

My baby girl got a visit from all of us over July 4th weekend.  We also sent sky lanterns up to her and her friends Benjamin and Conner.  We took her some red, white, and blue decor.  We all miss her so much.

                                         Abbi (Brandons sister), Matthew (in back) Darrell (orange) Katie

                                               We sent Benjamin and Conners lanterns up together.

                                                    Claire's lantern.

                                            Claire's 4th of July lantern.

                                         Darrell showing me he wrote Claire's name on his mini magna doodle.

Family picture day

Isn't it sad, that in order to include all my children in a photo, I have to bring a photo in to do so.  Regardless, I am not going to have a family picture without my Claire bear.  So we definitely incorporated her into the picture.  JC Penney has been my favorite place for portraits since I had Darrell's first pictures done at six weeks of age.  I always leave there happy with the session.

I just hope that Claire is happy that we included her.  The photo that we used is a photo of her feet.  We have since hung the photo up in our dining room.

                                            Brandon and I.

                                          All of our children.

Keep in mind that these are pictures of pictures.  Our photos will be coming in the mail and will look much better than this.

July 4th Holiday

Well...people just try to make things what they should be sometimes.  Often, I just smile my way through things, tough times.  It's really sitting at fireworks and bonfires with friends knowing they should all be oooing and ahhing over my Claire.

Right now Claire would be doing one of five things.....

Eating
Pooping
Peeing
Crying
Sleeping

Not much but she would be here and that is all that matters.  Darrell is five and starts kindergarten in two weeks.  Wholeheartedly, I miss having a little one.  I still have all this want to mother inside me.  And I realize that even though I may have another baby, it doesn't make up for losing Claire.  That I totally agree with.

I am going to post some pictures of our July 4th holiday.

                                          Kids at the pool.

                                            Darrell swimming.

                                          Face painting at Indiana Grand before fireworks show.

                                         Katie

                                         Bub

                                          Glow glasses.  You can't see me but my glasses are hearts.

Yes, the fireworks were the most amazing I have ever seen.  I couldn't have been happier with the turnout.  Seeing other little baby girls did bother me.  Life is just so unfair.

St. Vincent's Baby Loss memorial

June 22nd was the memorial for the baby loss moms from the 1st quarter of 2014.  Man, that just sounds like a statistic.  Weird.  Brandon had just had back surgery two days prior and we didn't attend.  I called ahead of time and asked that they send the program to me.  I also asked them to include us in the next memorial in September.  They said they would.

Yesterday, in the mail, Claire's program arrived.  It brought tears to my eyes.  They enclosed a memorial keepsake as well.  On the back it had the meanings for her name, her middle name, my first name and Brandon's first name.  One of the words they used for hers was "vivacious".  This was exactly how she felt kicking inside me and exactly how I imagined her.  When I dreamt of her, she was very "vivacious".  I couldn't have found a word more fitting that that.

This made me very happy.  Brandon, myself, and our families will be at the next memorial.  We felt bad for missing this one but we had to.

Here are pictures of the program and memorial.

It takes special people to do this work.  But I am thankful for these people.

4th of July

Yay for 3 day weekends.  I'm so excited for this weekend.  Me, Brandon, Matthew, Katie, and Darrell are going to Indiana's best fireworks show this year.  Friends are joining us.  We didn't know about this until we visited the Casino, but this year's biggest display in Indiana will be the Fire It Up display at Hoosier Park. I can't wait.  I bought all the kids some red, white, and blue glow bracelets.  We are taking Claire's to her Thursday.

To me, fireworks are simply amazing.  They are bold, beautiful, and leave you with that AHHHHHH effect. Even into my adulthood I have always enjoyed them.  Can't wait to see the kids' eyes when they see them.

Here is the week/weekend rundown for the Miller clan.

Tonight:  Going to the fair.  And elephant ear is in my near future.

Thursday night:  Picking up Matthew and Katie and going to see Claire.  These are the items we are taking to her.

Once again, the bows were custom made by the lady at Kroger for me to take to Claire.  Aren't they beautiful?

Friday:  Brandon's little sister Abbi is coming over to stay the night.  Once she comes over we are headed to the pool for a few hours and then off to Hoosier Park for games, face painting, activities, food, and FIREWORKS!

Saturday:  Family picture day!  I have found a cute way to incorporate Claire into the picture.  Stay tuned!
                After pictures I am hoping to visit Build-A-Bear with the kids.  Then we will be headed to a
                waterpark.  Should be fun.

Sunday:   We are supposed to go swimming at Brandon's dads house.  They should have the pool ready by then.  I hope so.  I am sure we will have a cookout as well.

After all this, I will be one tired woman.  But I love to enjoy these times with the kids.  I am just missing Claire.  Having her would be like having perfection.

Claire this Nehi (not Bud) is for you!

Claire,

I drank this in honor of you today.  You loved peaches.  I would eat them and you loved it.  You would kick and move around so much when I would eat them.  I craved them like I was a crazy person.  I will always think of you when I see something peach.  Whether it is the taste, flavor, color, smell.  Peach is a me and you thing.

I love you,

Mom

3 Days to Kill and a little bit of luck

Is it bad to say that I like to see Brandon get upset about Claire?  I'm not saying I like to see my husband in pain.  But I like to see that he misses Claire.  The moments are few and far between that he will show emotion.  When those moments do come I like to immerse myself in them.  I like to feel that he feels the missing piece like I do.

We rented 3 Days to Kill.  He has been wanting to see it for quite sometime.  Well, we don't get to the theater much anymore so of course it was a redbox kinda night.  We started watching it and I fell asleep. I remember waking up feeling like I needed to do something or see something.  I looked over to see my husband with tears in his eyes.  I asked him what was wrong.  He said "I miss her, I'm thinking about Claire." I looked at the screen and it was showing a dad dancing with his young daughter.  I never said another word and just let the scene play out.

It reassured me that he loves her.  These are things I still need to know.  I doubt I'll ever stop needing to know.

The next day his mom and stepdad took us to the Casino.  We are not gamblers.  So, basically they invited us by doing a little gambling of their own.  They offered to pay for our dinner and gave us some money each to play with.  My husband wanted to go then so we went.

We walked out of the casino four hundred dollars up.  It would be more to talk about if the winnings went to something other than bills.

The endless crab legs did the trick for me.  I love crab.  I would have went just  for the crab.

A piece of my heart lies at 39.6827657, -85.70318689

I've been suffering bad this week.   Well basically, ever since last week when my daughter's due date approached.  I've been turning every song on the radio into something about her.  In my head, everything is about her.

Right now I should not be typing this.  In fact, I wouldn't even have this blog if it hadn't been for my daughter dying.  I'd be on maternity leave, swinging my little girl, and enjoying the sun, the sounds of the birds, the attention she would have gotten for being so new, so little, so precious.  Instead, I sit here at work, typing this less than thrilling blog about my hurt.  And somedays it feels like I am the only one hurting.

I miss the making bottles, cuddling, changing diapers, wiping up slobber, rocking to sleep, the first doctors visit where they tell me how big she would be.  When I saw her on the screen during the ultrasound, she was so beautiful.  Her heart was just pumping away.  She would kick me continuously.  Nearly 5 months ago, for me, the things I thought I would get to have all over again, led me to devastation.  I've never been this devastated.  This takes the cake.

Last Friday, Brandon and I went out to the cemetery and visited her.  The mower had demolished her stars that were in the ground.  I'm sure he went on his merry way after destroying the stars I looked for tirelessly. I cannot stand the thought of a lawn mower just mowing on top of her grave.  I know it has to be done, I just don't want it to be my little girl resting a few feet below that racket.  I hate her being there.  I like the idea of decorating for her, visiting her, but I don't like those factors of just being another mowed over grave.

Right now I'd be looking at her, exhausted, and she would be looking at me, trying to figure me out.  She'd know I was her mommy, but she would be learning all of my features.  How I sound from the outside of the womb.  We'd be connecting through touch, not just through spirit.

I'm attaching a few pictures from our visit.  We went in the evening, so it was beginning to get dark.

                                                    Claire's Balloon.  Really speaks the truth.

                                                    I love my daughter so much. Jesus please hold her safely.

Next door to my office there is a Kroger.  I frequent that place almost as much as I frequent the bathroom. The lady in the floral department knows what happened to Claire.  She asks about her all the time and always lets me order what I want to take to her.  I had her special order the Miss You balloons.

She is an outstanding lady.

If I could have one wish.  It would be to have my Claire Bear here with me.