Memorial Day Weekend

I heard a song.......

This song fits perfectly for how I feel about my baby girl.  I listened to it a lot over memorial day weekend. It speaks to me like no other song has.  There are good songs.  This song I listen to is the best!  Saturday we spent most of the day with my mom and dad.  Darrell was with his dad, and my stepchildren were with us. We took a lot of decorations to the cemetery for Claire.  My parents and my grandmother brought flowers as well.  Claire's grave is highly decorated.  If she were only here, she would be so spoiled, by so many.

After decorating for Claire, I visited the graves of my pappy and my mamaw.  I gave Claire my mamaw's first name as her middle name.  Evelyn is my mamaw's name.  My mamaw was the sweetest lady I can say I have ever known.  Many, many, many, people would say the same about her.  She never spoke ill of anyone, she would give away her last dollar if someone needed, her home was always open, she was one of a kind.  And I just knew in my heart Claire would turn out the same way.  My mamaw never drove, so she would take me on the city bus as a kid and take me shopping.  We even had glamour shots done one day together.  I will always remember that day.  It was so exciting.  I was fourteen.  Six years later she was diagnosed with brain cancer caused by melanoma that had spread.  Some of the tumors were inoperable. Eight months later, just shy of my 21st birthday she was gone.  She didn't even live long enough to be considered a senior adult.

Now, what I do not understand, is how a woman like her was taken so soon.  People who have murdered in cold blood have outlived a saint like her by decades.  I just don't get it.  And, a baby girl innocent of everything never lived to take her first bottle.  Another thing I just don't understand.  I had so much to offer her, that she never got to experience.  This has caused a bitter pain in my core.  My life will always be off balance, unfulfilled, and lacking.

After decorating graves, myself, my husband, my parents, and the kids all enjoyed dinner together.  We laughed, we joked, we told stories about loved ones that passed.  We all agreed that we will never get over Claire.

Sunday, we attended a birthday party for my niece and nephew.  Then we went home and had a water balloon fight.  It's times like those that take my mind away from painful things, and it helps, even if it is only for a short time.  But then, I am quickly reminded that these are fun moments she won't experience. At least not on Earth.

Monday, a bunch of family, and us of course, packed up the kids and headed to the Indianapolis Children's Museum.  To my amazement, it was not very busy.  The kids were able to play with everything and do everything.  Their smiles make life worthwhile.  There is a new attraction called Playscape.  It's for babies and toddlers.  Another thing that made me think of my angel.  Another thing she won't participate in.

I will close this post with the song and some pictures.  Jesus keep my little girl close.  Tell her that I dream of her.

Lifehouse - From Where You Are (Lyrics)

Claire skies

I've decided that when the sky is breathtakingly beautiful it has to be God doing it.  When I notice the skies and all their glory I know that is Claire telling me to look.  Since I have only seen such beautiful skies when I think of her, I will now refer to them as Claire skies instead of Clear skies.  Day or night, sun shining or stars glimmering.  Those will be Claire Skies.

On the next episode of Snapped

While the television show "Snapped" is mostly about women who kill, I find the phrase very fitting for days like I had yesterday.  Not only was yesterday Monday, but it started off poorly in my favor.  I was still reeling from watching Return to Zero and from not going to visit Claire for the first weekend since she became an angel.

Then a client called and placed a large order for workers.  That kept me very busy at work and my stress level increased a bit.

In the middle of filling the client's order, I receive a call from my husbands ex-wife.  Yes, everyone you read that correctly, I said EX-WIFE.  And now you may be wondering why she would be calling me.  On a short note, lets just say I get along with a.k.a. tolerate her for the sake of my stepchildren.  On the phone she is ranting and raving about needing insurance information from Brandon because she got into a car wreck (yes, the kids are fine).  In the divorce, not only did my husband get absolutely slammed on his child support order, he also was mandated to pay her car payments and car insurance because the car still had a lien against it.  We paid her car off in January of this year and handed her the title in February, just days before Claire passed away.  So, when she was told yesterday that we weren't paying for her car insurance anymore she went from human to Medusa in a nanosecond.  I guess she figured we would continue to pay her insurance for her just to be nice?  Um no.  Not happening.  Especially not when she sits at home on her ass refusing to work, lives off of the government and family, and is perfectly capable of looking for work and getting a job.  She isn't disabled, she has transportation (NOTE: We paid for it), and she has three children now.  She is engaged to the guy she cheated on my husband with, and he works.  But let me tell you that she was the same way with my husband.  He worked, and sometimes he worked multiple jobs while she sat at home.  She didn't cook, she didn't clean.  She just sat there while everyone else catered to her.  That shit ain't gonna fly with this wife.  By all means she can be as lazy as she wants but I'm not catering to her lack of responsibility.

After work, I head home, walk in the door only to find out some more information about people I know being irresponsible but I won't name them in this blog.  So that just infuriated me even more.

In the evening, I get Darrell in the shower, take my March of Dimes bracelet off to wash him.  After I dry him all the way off I go to put my bracelet back on and it snapped and flew across the room.  When that happened I snapped too.  I started bawling, tears down my face, snot running out of my nose, running around the house like a chicken with its head cut off, head spinning like poltergeist.  I put my son in bed, he looked scared of me.  Then I went a flung myself on my bed and bawled, hysterically bawled my eyes out. My poor husband comes in and starts trying to comfort me.  He said he knew I was a ticking time bomb after I told him about the bracelet.  That bracelet is the one I wear for Claire.  I have more, I ordered plenty but that one went right on my wrist as soon as I got the UPS delivery.  I then accused him of taking her death too easy and not caring.  And that isn't right.  He does care.  I was just being a blatant bitch for a few minutes.  He took it like a boss though.  God, I love that man.  He basically decided how much crazy he could stand in a woman and then married me.

Of course I ended up apologizing to him,  but only after he made me a huge bowl of peanut butter panic ice cream, which the name is very fitting for my little episode.  I went and apologized to my son who wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me close.  I told him I miss Claire,  he said " I know".  So after a day of ranting and raving, and nearly putting together a hit list I still have the love of my two favorite men.

Let's hear it for the boys.

Guilt trip

This was the first weekend that I didn't go to Claire's grave.  We had so much to do around the house to prepare for Brandon's back surgery.  He is scheduled for back surgery on June 20th and will be a couch potato for 6 weeks.  He cleaned out the barn and the basement.  I cleaned the house and went to the grocery and worked on never ending piles of laundry.  I refer to it as Mt. St. Laundry.

I felt guilty all weekend because I knew I wasn't going.  I feel guilty today because I didn't go.

I am not starting to get over her or anything crazy shit like that.  I was just busy.  I don't want to be too busy for my baby girl.  This coming weekend we are all decorating her grave for memorial day.  I have all kinds of stuff to take to her.

I feel like such a bad mom for skipping a weekend.  Shame on me.

Ode to Return to Zero

Saturday night, my husband and I watched Return to Zero.  The movie was absolutely heartbreaking and it broke mine more than a few times.  During the movie there were times I just started bawling.  I couldn't help it.  Mr. Prister (I don't cry) actually cried himself.  After the movie was over he just sat there speechless and motionless next to me.  We were like two mannequins in shock.  I was the first one to get off the couch to pee.  When I came back he was just sitting there, staring at me.  I asked him what was wrong and his response was "I miss her."  This movie couldn't have hit home any more than it did.  Up to the end when she was reluctant on loving and accepting the rainbow baby, they hit the nail on the head.  Perfectly.  These too, are thoughts I have as well.  Will I love the baby like I love Claire?  Will Claire feel replaced?

No matter what I will not be replacing my baby girl.  I couldn't even if I wanted to because there were so many things she and I did to connect that I will never feel again.  She put her imprint on the world.  My world.  Her kicks, her somersaults, flips, and hip hop dancing she did in my belly, will always be a memory for me.  I swear that little girl had rhythm.  She heard music and she danced.  She is just like her momma. Loves music and all that goes along with it.

A few weeks after Claire passed, I felt some tension between Brandon and I.  Tension I didn't admit to him I felt until after the movie.  There were times I thought her death would kill our marriage.  Like there was nothing to celebrate anymore, nothing to look forward to, nothing to hold onto.  Almost like there was more reason to give up than to push on.  Although that feeling did subside, I still have my days where I wonder what will become of my life now.  I want to have more children because I miss the bonding, the mothering, the need that the baby has for it's mom.  Darrell is almost five and he is beyond needing me for most things now.  He tells me himself to cut the cord because at times I almost want him to be a baby again.  I know he needs to grow up and be a man.  I need to back off and let him grow up and I do know this.  The problem is accepting it.

Minnie Driver played this role like a boss.  I admire her for doing so.  Momma's like me and some dear friends of mine needed this movie.  It shows that having hope is required.  It shows us that God's ways, although sometimes understandable, are the right ways.  As time passes, I seem to be forgiving her death a little more, I do not understand it, and I never will, but I am letting go, hoping that I am right in doing so. Holding onto a grudge is painful enough on the heart when it is with a friend or foe.  But when it's God, well that is just so much more intense.  I do not want him to be angry with me for questioning him on why he took her.  I can't hear his response on why, so a one sided story makes it so hard.

I've signed up to go on a return to zero retreat.  You can do so to by visiting returntozerothemovie.com.

We recorded this movie, I will need it for the rest of my life.

Who buys their daughter memorial day flowers?

I do.

I am a mom that loves an angel from beyond the grave.

I am the mom walking aisles in stores looking for the flowers to place on her daughter's grave.


Walking thru stores searching for the perfect flowers for Claire, reality sets in.  There are plenty of flowers for Mom's and Dad's, Grandma's and Grandpa's, but very rarely did I see flowers labeled for a Son or Daughter.  That's because I shouldn't have a child grave to decorate on.

Darrell picked flowers for Claire that will be from him and Matthew and Katie.  He also picked a keychain fob that says #1 Sister.  Brandon and I picked a matching floral arrangement for her.  My mom and dad are in Pigeon Forge on vacation but they are looking for flowers too.

We are all going to decorate her grave next weekend.

Of all the things that are wrong with this world.......there is nothing worse than your child dying.

Nothing.

The blessings of Monday

Soooooooo....Mondays are usually the day of the week that everyone despises.  Not so much this week for me.  Two very awesome things happened this Monday.

# 1 - Claire's stone was placed.

# 2 - I got promoted.

I am hoping she is happy and proud.  I work for great people.  These great people paid me the entire time I was off with Claire and the funeral.  They donated a lot of money to our March of Dimes walk and sent gifts after she passed away.  They are good hearted people and a blessing from God.

Below are pictures of her new headstone and I am so excited that it is finally there.  I feel relief.  I feel like she is happy we did that for her.

                                                   
                                                    Darrell is happy that Claire has her stone now.

                                                   
                                                    Those are her actual feet in the photo.

                                                 
                                                    The back of the stone.

                                                   
                                                    Claire's mamaw and papaw (my parents) visiting her.

Mother's Day 2014

Honestly, I could have just stayed in bed the entire day.  But the kids wanted to take me to breakfast.  I managed to get up, zombie walk myself to the shower, wash myself, put some makeup on, and get dressed.

We ate at Denny's.

When we got home, I got my gifts for Mother's Day.  Of course I cried.  The cards were so sweet.  It was signed by all my kiddos, including Claire.  My husband did it for her.

That's not all.  The real kickers are next.  

My husband bought me a ring with Claire's birthstone.

The kids got me a scrapbook from Hallmark.  It's a scrapbook for a rainbow baby.  

It's decorated with rainbows and clouds with smiles.  It's perfect.  It gives me hope.

My ring

I will post pictures of my book later.  Right now, I start bawling as soon as I look at it.  Give me time.

Darrell sporting his shirt for Mother's Day

March of Dimes - Team Claire - 5/10/2014

On Saturday, 5/10/2014, we participated in the March of Dimes walk in Indianapolis, Indiana for Claire.  It was a beautifully warm, sunshiny day.  We all had to rise early that morning to get going for the walk. Downtown Indianapolis is always a hectic cluster of craziness.  5/10/2014, was no different.  We all arrived and parked in the parking garage that was reserved for the walkers that day.  We walked down to the canal and registered our team.  People were pouring in for the walk.  It felt so wonderful to see so much support for babies there.  There was an area with a huge blue/pink baby loss ribbon that we had our picture taken in, then we were able to write Claire's name on a butterfly that will now be a part of the walk each year.  They gave all of the baby loss moms a flat of purple flowers to take home.  That was nice of them.

This year Team Claire consisted of the following participants:

Myself, Claire's mom
Brandon, Claire's dad
Matthew, Claire's brother
Katelyn, Claire's sister
Darrell, Claire's brother
Melissa, Claire's grandmother
Lacey, Claire's Aunt
Dakota, Claire's Cousin
Lindsay, Claire's Cousin
Lauren, Claire's Cousin
Ellie, Claire's Cousin
Kristin, Claire's godmother
Jacob, Claire's godfather

We all had family team shirts.  These shirts said "TEAM CLAIRE" on the backs.

TEAM CLAIRE

I am going to backtrack a little here before I put up the rest of the pictures of the walk.  The Friday before the walk, I had a really bad day.  I am not quite sure why but I think it was just thinking about how I would celebrate Mother's Day without my daughter growing inside me.  Thankfully, my best friend came over that night and stayed the night with us.  She brought me a present, which turned out to be a beautiful handmade necklace that says Claire.  Then her, myself, and Katie went to the nail salon and got our nails painted for the walk.  

Mine and Katie's baby loss nails.  Everyone loves them.

NOW TIME TO POST WALK PICTURES

                                                     Face painting for Indy Child magazine

                                                   March of Dimes shirt - Front

                                                    March of Dimes shirt - Back

                                                         The start of the walk

                                                    Darrell's web face paint.  It's pretty cool.

                                                    Walker's along the canal

After the walk, we all smashed some hot dogs, drank some gatorade and headed out to the cemetery to see Claire.  My best friend wanted to come along.  Katelyn gave Claire a March of Dimes bracelet and I brought her a balloon.  The kids really miss her.

                                                    I love this picture of them standing by her grave and holding hands.

Unhappy Friday

So, tomorrow is the March of Dimes in Indianapolis, Indiana.  We are walking in it, in memory of our daughter.  We have raised several hundred dollars, have our Team Claire T-shirts and March of Dimes bracelets.  My best friend Kristin and her hubby are coming this evening.  We are going to get our nails done for the walk, grilling out, and they are staying over so we can get up early and register for the walk.  The walk begins at 10 A.M.  With all the good that is going on this weekend, you would think I would be in a better mood right? Wrong.

I am having such a tough day.  I'm sitting at work, tears welling up in my eyes and full of angst.  I just can't come to grips with losing her.  

What a shitty day.  

Memoirs of a park

Man, I really miss my little girl.  Yesterday, myself, the hubby, my son, and my stepchildren mosied our way over to the park.  It was a nice sunny and HOT day.  While sizzling in the sun, I look to see a 1 year old little girl toddling my way.  The very first thing that comes to mind is Claire, my daughter.  This girl was a cutie for sure and her smiles were beyond amazing.  Yet, I still wanted her to get away from me.  I think it is the grief mixed with fear that does this to me.  I am so afraid that we will never have another child.  I am so afraid that if we do, it could die.  I am so afraid that if we do, and it survives, Claire will feel hurt by the new addition.

I know, I know.  I too read all the memes and phrases out there surrounding fear and how we as people cannot let it win.  I usually am a true believer in that same fact.  Well I was, that is, until my daughter died. That changed a lot of things for me.  My faith waivers, my fears grow, my hopes diminish, my personality is shaded from the light it once used to have.  My strength cowers, my dreams make no sense, my heart is smothered, my answers are now questions.  If I didn't look like Kristin on the outside, I am sure my family and friends would not recognize me.

I too hear all the time that Brandon and I can try again.  I know we can TRY.  But, will we succeed?  And if so, guess what?  That doesn't change the fact that I WANTED HER!  I didn't make Claire, carry Claire, and love Claire so that I could move past her.  I did all of those things because I am her MOTHER.  Claire cannot be replaced.  Do we want more children? Yes.  Do we want to replace Claire? Hell no.  Would we do anything, wager anything to get her back?  Hell yes.

The footer has been poured

International Bereaved Mother's Day, Week, Month, Year?

Yes, I am aware that International Bereaved Mother's Day was Sunday, May 4th.  The day before my husband and I joined my best friend and her husband for dinner.  She had a gift for me.  It was a baby loss bracelet she made from scratch, with the following words " I don't know what to say or do."  And "All I know is I love you."  I love the bracelet and have worn it since receiving it.  Typically,  no one knows what to say.  I wouldn't know what to say if I didn't know what it felt like to be a mother suffering a baby loss. My friends and family try.  They support me and Brandon.  But, they can only do so much, without knowing the pain in the heart.  This mother's day I should be awaiting the arrival of my daughter Claire, and she should be kicking me inside so hard that I cannot sleep.  She should be doing somersaults in my belly and making her daddy laugh when he felt her doing so.  Once born, she should be drooling, feeding, pooping, crying, cooing, giggling, making her first smiles, cutting teeth and so much more.  Then she should be learning to eat foods here and there, crawling, walking, talking, growing, laughing, tumbling over, splashing in the bathtub, climbing into bed with me, loosing her baby teeth, going to preschool, beginning regular school, making good grades, loving fashion, joining me at the nail salon, playing dress up, making friends, sleepovers, liking boys, learning to drive, falling in love, getting her heart broke, graduating, going off to college, meeting the love of her life, getting married, losing her virginity, having babies, becoming a grandma, burying her parents, getting old, and then going to heaven for eternity with her family.  Instead, heaven came first.

This is why I will be bereaved every day, not just one day.

Mothering Claire

When I found out my husband and I were expecting, I was happy.  When I found out we were expecting a girl, I was elated.  I have a son, nearly 5 years old.  I wanted so badly to have a little girl too.  When I heard "It's a girl", I cannot remember a time other than marrying Brandon and finding out I was going to have my son, that I have been happier.  I had already picked the name Claire.  I have always adored that name.  To me it sounds so sophisticated and elegant.  It is a perfect name for her.  As a teenager I fell in love with Molly Ringwalds' character on The Breakfast Club.  I watched it numerous times and it never got old to me. I don't know if I was so obsessed with her character as much as I was her name in the movie.  Ever since I watched that movie for the first time I told myself I loved that name.  Now I love it more because it's my daughters name.

Immediately after finding out the sex, I started shopping.  I don't know how I held on as long as I did, but I waited to know the sex.  I went spastic, buying every cute girl thing I saw, I had picked out her bedding, her room decor, clothes, and furniture.  I went nuts.  I was so happy it is beyond explanation.  All my friends and family love her name.  People who never saw her loved it too.  Still, I hear that she has such a beautiful name.

On February 17, 2014, the day after my birthday, I delivered Claire prematurely and in three short minutes all of my dreams were crushed.  Claire was gone.

What is left (other than the love for my child and severe feeling of loss) is a need to mother.  Inside of me there is all of the energy that my body and mind wants to put forth to mother a child.  I still feel like there is something missing, like my motherly duties aren't being fulfilled, and like Claire isn't getting enough care.  I feel like I need to mother.  Yes, I mother my son.  But he is getting more and more independent each day.  So, I have all this energy and desire inside me that I need to exert, but I don't have her to exert it to.  I feel the need to hold, nurture, feed, bathe, teach, play, cuddle, but I don't have her here to do that.  So I feel weird, in a state of almost panic, because there are moments where I feel confused and need to do those things and I can't.  It's like having a to-do list with all the items being checked off except for caring for a baby.  It feels like she is there waiting for me to act on my motherly duties and they aren't being done.  I'm not procrastinating, I want my duties, but that isn't possible now.

Today, there was an article about mothering a baby after they have passed away and it touches on the need to mother and how baby loss moms can't do it even though their bodies and minds are consumed with a feeling to "tend" to their child.  I am one of the moms that feels that very same way.  In the article, the author writes about all of the ways us baby loss mommas can still mother our children after death.  Several things are mentioned in the article that I already act upon.  But there are other great ideas too.  The article can be found at http://wp.me/p2njQa-38i or at stillstandingmag.com.