When I found out my husband and I were expecting, I was happy. When I found out we were expecting a girl, I was elated. I have a son, nearly 5 years old. I wanted so badly to have a little girl too. When I heard "It's a girl", I cannot remember a time other than marrying Brandon and finding out I was going to have my son, that I have been happier. I had already picked the name Claire. I have always adored that name. To me it sounds so sophisticated and elegant. It is a perfect name for her. As a teenager I fell in love with Molly Ringwalds' character on The Breakfast Club. I watched it numerous times and it never got old to me. I don't know if I was so obsessed with her character as much as I was her name in the movie. Ever since I watched that movie for the first time I told myself I loved that name. Now I love it more because it's my daughters name.
Immediately after finding out the sex, I started shopping. I don't know how I held on as long as I did, but I waited to know the sex. I went spastic, buying every cute girl thing I saw, I had picked out her bedding, her room decor, clothes, and furniture. I went nuts. I was so happy it is beyond explanation. All my friends and family love her name. People who never saw her loved it too. Still, I hear that she has such a beautiful name.
On February 17, 2014, the day after my birthday, I delivered Claire prematurely and in three short minutes all of my dreams were crushed. Claire was gone.
What is left (other than the love for my child and severe feeling of loss) is a need to mother. Inside of me there is all of the energy that my body and mind wants to put forth to mother a child. I still feel like there is something missing, like my motherly duties aren't being fulfilled, and like Claire isn't getting enough care. I feel like I need to mother. Yes, I mother my son. But he is getting more and more independent each day. So, I have all this energy and desire inside me that I need to exert, but I don't have her to exert it to. I feel the need to hold, nurture, feed, bathe, teach, play, cuddle, but I don't have her here to do that. So I feel weird, in a state of almost panic, because there are moments where I feel confused and need to do those things and I can't. It's like having a to-do list with all the items being checked off except for caring for a baby. It feels like she is there waiting for me to act on my motherly duties and they aren't being done. I'm not procrastinating, I want my duties, but that isn't possible now.
Today, there was an article about mothering a baby after they have passed away and it touches on the need to mother and how baby loss moms can't do it even though their bodies and minds are consumed with a feeling to "tend" to their child. I am one of the moms that feels that very same way. In the article, the author writes about all of the ways us baby loss mommas can still mother our children after death. Several things are mentioned in the article that I already act upon. But there are other great ideas too. The article can be found at http://wp.me/p2njQa-38i or at stillstandingmag.com.
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