Man, I really miss my little girl. Yesterday, myself, the hubby, my son, and my stepchildren mosied our way over to the park. It was a nice sunny and HOT day. While sizzling in the sun, I look to see a 1 year old little girl toddling my way. The very first thing that comes to mind is Claire, my daughter. This girl was a cutie for sure and her smiles were beyond amazing. Yet, I still wanted her to get away from me. I think it is the grief mixed with fear that does this to me. I am so afraid that we will never have another child. I am so afraid that if we do, it could die. I am so afraid that if we do, and it survives, Claire will feel hurt by the new addition.
I know, I know. I too read all the memes and phrases out there surrounding fear and how we as people cannot let it win. I usually am a true believer in that same fact. Well I was, that is, until my daughter died. That changed a lot of things for me. My faith waivers, my fears grow, my hopes diminish, my personality is shaded from the light it once used to have. My strength cowers, my dreams make no sense, my heart is smothered, my answers are now questions. If I didn't look like Kristin on the outside, I am sure my family and friends would not recognize me.
I too hear all the time that Brandon and I can try again. I know we can TRY. But, will we succeed? And if so, guess what? That doesn't change the fact that I WANTED HER! I didn't make Claire, carry Claire, and love Claire so that I could move past her. I did all of those things because I am her MOTHER. Claire cannot be replaced. Do we want more children? Yes. Do we want to replace Claire? Hell no. Would we do anything, wager anything to get her back? Hell yes.
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