You lose it all......

Happy 1st Birthday/Angelversary

Dear Claire,

Today is your 1st birthday, and yet you celebrate in Heaven.  On Earth, we celebrated the best we could.  It was an emotional day for your dad and I.  Family and friends sent us texts throughout the day to let us know they were thinking of us and you.  Your dad and I both took today off work, and we celebrated you.  You see Claire, although you aren't physically here, you are here.  Our hearts contain you.  Your family and our close friends love you.  You have impacted many lives.  I dreaded this day coming as I will in all the remaining years of my life.  I will always desire to celebrate with you in a physical form.  Today we picked up a cake you will never taste, a cake we will never see all over your face.  These are things we will never get to enjoy here.  And it sucks.  Nothing sucks worse.

For the rest of my life I will be forced to remember that on my birthday I knew I was going to lose you.  And the next day you were gone.  There is no anticipation of my birthday anymore, and there is dread for each year I will face yours, where I will only be able to celebrate in memory of you.  I cling to hope that you know my heart.  If you can feel my love, I know you will understand there is no greater love.  And with losing you there has been no greater misery.  I have to think of the good things.  You soar like an eagle in a heaven full of beautiful colors.  Colors I have never seen.  The brilliance of heaven shining on your smile, glistening in your hair, and sparkling on your face.  You have people to love you there, and you have no pain or sadness.

I want you to be proud of the woman that I am.  The mom that I am.  The wife that I am.  The strength that I have. Most of all, I want you to be proud that even though we have never had eye contact, I know the deep blue color of your eyes, your endless smile, and your bouncing curls.  I have seen them in my dreams, and I live to see those in reality.

Today, your dad and I came to see you and we decorated for you.  We know you will love it.  He brought you happy birthday lights, banners, a birthday girl sash for your tree, some flowers, and birthday girl balloons.

You will forever be my greatest joy!  Happy Birthday Claire Bear, I love you with all I am.

Love,

Mommy

2015 and TTC

Finally, after months of trying to have my own period and not a medically induced one, I have had two on my own.  This means my body is now back to normal, and I am ovulating yet again.

HOORAY!

Brandon and I are going to start TTC in January, let's hope it happens quickly.

From my angel to you and your family, HAPPY NEW YEAR, FELIZ ANO NUEVO!

2015...Please be good to me

I know I go on long ass sabbaticals when it comes to blogging.  But hell it's been a rough year.  I'm glad it's ending.  So fucking long 2014, can't say that I am sad to see you go.

To bring everyone up to speed on my most recent shitty experiences, add auto accident to the list. Yep, that's right folks, not only did my daughter die this year, but also I totaled my Envoy on 12/26! It happened at approximately 7:15 a.m. on 12/26/14.  I was on my way to work, and I am well aware that most people were still in bed at the time and I should have been too.  But, my employer wanted us to work that day, I signed up for skeleton crew at the office so that my coworkers could have the time off.  I know....aren't I just such a great boss?  Hell, it seems the nicer I am the more shittier luck I receive.  Anyways, I do not remember the wreck.  However, I was told by medics and police that I was unconscious for 10-15 minutes.  I learned that I lost control on my vehicle due to patchy "black ice", hit the guard wire in the median on 70 West, and it threw my vehicle back out onto the interstate and then I was t-boned by a stratus.  Needless to say, my vehicle is totaled.  Luckily, I survived, almost unharmed.  I am having some memory issues, and some headaches.  I have extreme bruising across my mid-section and my hip is messed up.  I remember getting ready for work that morning, leaving the house, and then nothing else until waking up in the ambulance with an IV being shoved into my wrist because they couldn't find a good vein.  Hurt like hell.  I had a neck brace on and my clothes had been cut off of me.  Brand new outfit my mother in law got me for Christmas just laying there shredded.  What was one of my first thoughts?  "Aw shit, everyone in this ambulance knows I went commando to work today.  That's right, no undies.  I might have been embarrassed if I had any sense about myself at the moment.

All I have heard for the last 5 days is......."You are lucky".  Yes, I am well aware of that.  I think Claire had a little something to do with it.

While this year has been anything but pleasant, I am thankful to be alive.

On another note, Christmas was ok.  Kids got way too much stuff.  Every year I say I am going to slack off on buying gifts.  Every year I prove to be a liar.  And yet, these kids still act like they should have a cameo in the Jay-Z Hard Knock life video.....geez.

Here is a picture of my Envoy after the wreck.  Hubby said it scared the shit out of him when the hospital called.

Yes, that is my rear door sitting in the backseat.  They had to take my door off to get me out.

Please 2015, be good to me.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Had our first Christmas party this past weekend with my family.  It is always nice to see them given the fact that I rarely see them.  I was able to go and take some small decorated pine trees out to my mamaw and pappys graves.

Later that evening Brandon and I met up with my bestie and her husband at Chili's and stuffed ourselves some more.

And we have decided to get our first family pet.  She will be ready to come home with us on 12/20/2014.  We have decided to name her Taffy.  She is a full blooded boxer.  We had originally thought of rescuing a pup, but decided against it.

WELCOME TAFFY TO THE MILLER FAMILY!

While we were in town visiting family, my mom and dad took me to see the memory tree.  They had purchased a memory tag for Claire and had it placed on the memory tree at the hospital my dad works at.  It feels so nice to have family who loves and remembers her.  Sometimes it feels like it's just me left wondering what might have been.  I need these little pick-me-ups.

This week will be a busy week.  I have finals for school, registration for my spring semester, a Christmas play at my son's school, child support court, and a Christmas dinner with my company at St. Elmo's Steakhouse.  My husband is tagging along because it's his absolute fave place to eat.

I am dreading Wednesday.  I have child support court to modify my son's child support and of course my ex-husband has called me every name in the book.  Tells me I am greedy.  Since separating from him when my son was only 8 months old he has been paying a whopping $60.00 a week.  He makes decent money, and yet I do child support deductions for temporary workers of $85 up to $120 a week and they make $9-10 an hour.  I tell him he has had it pretty damn easy.  I am not looking to get rich off of my ex by no means but given that I have not asked for a modification in 5 years, I think it is time. Given that if I even ask him to get bub a haircut, he won't do it.  He provides no extras.  I get $60 a week and I am sure he thinks that is just plenty.

Guess he should have never had an affair or impregnated a married woman.  Because any smart person would know that will lead to a divorce and if there are children, that equals child support.  

YOU PLAY, YOU PAY!

Why would a man be pissed off about giving his child money?  I will never grasp why.  It baffles me, it truly does.  

I didn't make Darrell on my own, I think it takes two.  

He is just upset that he has two kids by two women he isn't with and has to pay support for.  Bub was here first.  Also, did I mention that even though he had a child with another woman, she still put her husband down as the father on the birth certificate?  LOL, oh the drama.......I am so glad I am not mixed up in the mess.  I've got plenty of my own.

We have 90 percent of our Christmas shopping DONE!  Praise Jesus, it literally wears me out.  

I wish we had Claire to buy for as well.  She would be 6 months old now.  It's hard to enjoy any holiday without having all of your kids with you.  Every Christmas will be hard without her.  

Taking one for me

It's hard to accept things we have never seen.........

So, I have to just hope and pray.

It's a Claire Christmas

My family and I spent this weekend getting Claire's grave decorated for Christmas.  Solar Christmas lights are hard to find so we had to opt for battery operated lights on a timer.  Her tree lights and orbs will turn on at 6 pm every evening and shut off promptly at midnight.  My parents and some and Brandon's family visited her yesterday.  We decorated together with our other children.  It was a nice day, chilly, but nice.

This is a view of her grave.  Both orbs, the snowflakes, and the tree will light up at night.  I just hope she loves it.

This is Claire's first Christmas tree.  Of course, at night it will look so much better with all the pretty lights.  We will visit at night soon and hope the gates are open.

She also has a stocking up that says Angel at the grave site.

Merry Christmas Angel!