2015 and TTC

Finally, after months of trying to have my own period and not a medically induced one, I have had two on my own.  This means my body is now back to normal, and I am ovulating yet again.

HOORAY!

Brandon and I are going to start TTC in January, let's hope it happens quickly.

From my angel to you and your family, HAPPY NEW YEAR, FELIZ ANO NUEVO!

2015...Please be good to me

I know I go on long ass sabbaticals when it comes to blogging.  But hell it's been a rough year.  I'm glad it's ending.  So fucking long 2014, can't say that I am sad to see you go.

To bring everyone up to speed on my most recent shitty experiences, add auto accident to the list. Yep, that's right folks, not only did my daughter die this year, but also I totaled my Envoy on 12/26! It happened at approximately 7:15 a.m. on 12/26/14.  I was on my way to work, and I am well aware that most people were still in bed at the time and I should have been too.  But, my employer wanted us to work that day, I signed up for skeleton crew at the office so that my coworkers could have the time off.  I know....aren't I just such a great boss?  Hell, it seems the nicer I am the more shittier luck I receive.  Anyways, I do not remember the wreck.  However, I was told by medics and police that I was unconscious for 10-15 minutes.  I learned that I lost control on my vehicle due to patchy "black ice", hit the guard wire in the median on 70 West, and it threw my vehicle back out onto the interstate and then I was t-boned by a stratus.  Needless to say, my vehicle is totaled.  Luckily, I survived, almost unharmed.  I am having some memory issues, and some headaches.  I have extreme bruising across my mid-section and my hip is messed up.  I remember getting ready for work that morning, leaving the house, and then nothing else until waking up in the ambulance with an IV being shoved into my wrist because they couldn't find a good vein.  Hurt like hell.  I had a neck brace on and my clothes had been cut off of me.  Brand new outfit my mother in law got me for Christmas just laying there shredded.  What was one of my first thoughts?  "Aw shit, everyone in this ambulance knows I went commando to work today.  That's right, no undies.  I might have been embarrassed if I had any sense about myself at the moment.

All I have heard for the last 5 days is......."You are lucky".  Yes, I am well aware of that.  I think Claire had a little something to do with it.

While this year has been anything but pleasant, I am thankful to be alive.

On another note, Christmas was ok.  Kids got way too much stuff.  Every year I say I am going to slack off on buying gifts.  Every year I prove to be a liar.  And yet, these kids still act like they should have a cameo in the Jay-Z Hard Knock life video.....geez.

Here is a picture of my Envoy after the wreck.  Hubby said it scared the shit out of him when the hospital called.

Yes, that is my rear door sitting in the backseat.  They had to take my door off to get me out.

Please 2015, be good to me.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Had our first Christmas party this past weekend with my family.  It is always nice to see them given the fact that I rarely see them.  I was able to go and take some small decorated pine trees out to my mamaw and pappys graves.

Later that evening Brandon and I met up with my bestie and her husband at Chili's and stuffed ourselves some more.

And we have decided to get our first family pet.  She will be ready to come home with us on 12/20/2014.  We have decided to name her Taffy.  She is a full blooded boxer.  We had originally thought of rescuing a pup, but decided against it.

WELCOME TAFFY TO THE MILLER FAMILY!

While we were in town visiting family, my mom and dad took me to see the memory tree.  They had purchased a memory tag for Claire and had it placed on the memory tree at the hospital my dad works at.  It feels so nice to have family who loves and remembers her.  Sometimes it feels like it's just me left wondering what might have been.  I need these little pick-me-ups.

This week will be a busy week.  I have finals for school, registration for my spring semester, a Christmas play at my son's school, child support court, and a Christmas dinner with my company at St. Elmo's Steakhouse.  My husband is tagging along because it's his absolute fave place to eat.

I am dreading Wednesday.  I have child support court to modify my son's child support and of course my ex-husband has called me every name in the book.  Tells me I am greedy.  Since separating from him when my son was only 8 months old he has been paying a whopping $60.00 a week.  He makes decent money, and yet I do child support deductions for temporary workers of $85 up to $120 a week and they make $9-10 an hour.  I tell him he has had it pretty damn easy.  I am not looking to get rich off of my ex by no means but given that I have not asked for a modification in 5 years, I think it is time. Given that if I even ask him to get bub a haircut, he won't do it.  He provides no extras.  I get $60 a week and I am sure he thinks that is just plenty.

Guess he should have never had an affair or impregnated a married woman.  Because any smart person would know that will lead to a divorce and if there are children, that equals child support.  

YOU PLAY, YOU PAY!

Why would a man be pissed off about giving his child money?  I will never grasp why.  It baffles me, it truly does.  

I didn't make Darrell on my own, I think it takes two.  

He is just upset that he has two kids by two women he isn't with and has to pay support for.  Bub was here first.  Also, did I mention that even though he had a child with another woman, she still put her husband down as the father on the birth certificate?  LOL, oh the drama.......I am so glad I am not mixed up in the mess.  I've got plenty of my own.

We have 90 percent of our Christmas shopping DONE!  Praise Jesus, it literally wears me out.  

I wish we had Claire to buy for as well.  She would be 6 months old now.  It's hard to enjoy any holiday without having all of your kids with you.  Every Christmas will be hard without her.  

Taking one for me

It's hard to accept things we have never seen.........

So, I have to just hope and pray.

It's a Claire Christmas

My family and I spent this weekend getting Claire's grave decorated for Christmas.  Solar Christmas lights are hard to find so we had to opt for battery operated lights on a timer.  Her tree lights and orbs will turn on at 6 pm every evening and shut off promptly at midnight.  My parents and some and Brandon's family visited her yesterday.  We decorated together with our other children.  It was a nice day, chilly, but nice.

This is a view of her grave.  Both orbs, the snowflakes, and the tree will light up at night.  I just hope she loves it.

This is Claire's first Christmas tree.  Of course, at night it will look so much better with all the pretty lights.  We will visit at night soon and hope the gates are open.

She also has a stocking up that says Angel at the grave site.

Merry Christmas Angel!

My first Christmas without her

Where have I been?

I'm beginning to feel entitled to letting people know what I have been up to and why I haven't been blogging.  Mostly, it's school and work.  And it's been beyond a shitty year.  The holidays are here and I do not feel like celebrating.  I would feel completely different if my daughter, Claire, who would be 6 months old at Christmas was here.  And of course everyone around me is so jolly that they are blowing candy canes out of their asses.

There will be no tree going up at my office this year.

Meanwhile, this semester is almost over with.  I always enjoy my business and human resource classes.  I despise algebra.  Oh, and I almost forgot, I have been so busy staffing Amazon this year I didn't even realize it was Thanksgiving week.  I was able to squeeze time in to take some golden poinsettias out to Claire.  I ate myself into a misery with three Thanksgivings.

In all three get-together's not a single person asked me how I am doing or even mentioned Claire.  At some point it must become taboo or a thing of the past.  And maybe people are afraid to bring such a touchy subject up this time of the year.  And then of course we put our tree up.  Me, Brandon, and the kids decorated it well.  This year we added a "C" ornament for Claire.  And we found her stocking from last year.  Last year it said "Beaner", because we weren't sure on her sex yet.  It's funny how so much has changed in a year.  Christmas 2013 gave us a lot to look forward to.  We were so excited to have a baby on the way!  Christmas 2014, is the complete opposite.  It's insane how so much can change in a year.  We are making her new stocking.

We are getting ready to go change her decor at the cemetery.  We found these awesome solar color-changing snowflake stakes.  And, I am looking into Christmas grave blankets. We need some solar lights to put on a tree for her.  Gosh, I miss her so much and I just feel so lost and empty.  I haven't felt complete since we lost her.  I'm still very moody and very confused.

Brandon and I have had our first marriage issue.  A few weeks ago, I caught him in a lie.  And yes, most might say it happens.  Marriage isn't perfect and it isn't easy.  I beg to differ.  I feel like marriage shouldn't be so hard.  If you are in love, and both people honor the marriage and treat each other right, why can't it be easy?  Life isn't easy.  Marriage should be.  It should be second nature to treat people the way you want to be treated.  And people are smart enough to think before they act. They just choose not to.  Brandon is my second husband.  My first one burnt me badly.  And, I was madly in love with him.  And we have a 5 year old son together.  When he cheated and knocked up a co-worker, bubby was only 8 months old.  After that, love and trust just hasn't been the same.  I'm a sleep with one eye open kind of woman now.  And I am madly in love with Brandon.  Falling in love with him wasn't easy to let myself do.  He knows that!  And he shouldn't chance hurting me.  But now he has.  And now, I will always wonder if he is going to ultimately betray me.  And he may not. But in my mind the possibility is there now.  I will never feel completely secure with him now.  We have a daughter in heaven and he couldn't act right.  I'm just so pissed, and I am devastated.

I have decided to work it out with him for now.  But, if and when I feel like I am unhappy and don't want to live in constant worry, I will walk out of his life faster than a speeding bullet, and I have told him that.

And, I won' think twice.

I hope everyone else has a better holiday.  Being able to enjoy this time of year is special.  I'm hoping next Christmas will be much improved.

Happy Holidays!

Claire's mommy

Dani and Lizzy - Dancing in the Sky (with Lyrics) For my daugher

Having a really rough day without you today.  Some days are so much worse that others.

This song is beautiful.

Just like you.


Love,

Mom

Capture your grief - Day 3: Before

Day # 3 - Before

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬ ‪#‎beforemyworldturnedupsidedown‬

Before we lost Claire, life had a calmness, a vibrance, a feeling of bliss. We worked, we schooled, we played. We laughed, we dreamed, and possibilities were endless. Hopes turned into reality and life just felt so good. In the picture of Brandon and I, I was pregnant with Claire. I had a glow, a happiness, and was so excited to be having a baby with Brandon. We are pictured somewhere where the sun was shining on us. Those smiles were real and they were genuine, they were not forced. The belly picture was 1 week before we lost her. I was popping out already at 20 weeks! Brandon took this picture and I remember him saying that I was really starting to show. We had only known that we were having a girl for just a few days here. I was so excited to have my first girl growing inside me. I felt her kick me for the first time around 17 weeks. By the time this picture was taken she was a little acrobat inside me. And when I would talk, sing, or play music she would join in.

Capture your grief - Day 2: Heart

Day # 2 - Heart

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬ ‪#‎thisismyheart‬

I am not much into conformity, so my heart with not be a drawing. I have many talents on my resume, however, one is not artistry. Yes, I have other children, a son, and two stepchildren. And yes, they are a part of my heart. But this is a special gem my husband and I found on a recent weekend when we were spending time together. Finding items with Claire's name on them is not an easy task. When I do find something, I am overjoyed. So today my heart is the blue sparkling heart with her name. This blue reminds me of the dream I had of her, prior to her birth. She was in our backyard and she was running from me. She was about 3 years old with mid-length blonde curly hair, and as I yelled out her name in the dream, she looked back at me with eyes as crystal clear blue as this heart. I will never forget that dream. I hold it dear to my heart.

Capture your Grief Project - Day 1: Sunrise

Day # 1 - Sunrise

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬

Although, I do not know the actual date I took this photo. I do remember it was in the morning, in the summer, prior to dropping off Darrell at preschool. Yes, I said preschool. So I know it was around 6:30 A.M. I took the photo and pointed out the sky to Darrell who was in the backseat. I said to him "Those are Claire skies". He said "You mean clear skies?" I said "no Claire skies. She is shining down from heaven." His response was "I think you are right." Ever since, when I see a beautiful sky, I call it Claire skies.

March of Dimes - March for Babies 2015

This morning when I went to look at my emails as usual.  There it was!  The March of Dimes, March for Babies Walk 2015, events are listed for Indiana and team pages can start again.  So as soon as I could get online I was making the page and making the first donation.  Our new team page is
WeAreTeamClaire.  I just think it's perfect.  It will be the one I use for 2015 and future walks.

It truly was a sigh of relief for me.  I think it gives me purpose and I get totally worked up about it.  I mean WORKED UP!  I want to give my daughter something to be proud of me for.

Here is a link to our team page:

http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t2284865

And our picture for the page couldn't be any more fitting than this.

This is Brandon and I giving Claire away to an Angel, so she can go to heaven.  That day will forever be my worst day.  It's just indescribable.  It truly is.

I love being the team captain and I love my Claire Bear.

Where do we go from here.......

Well......damn it's been a heck of a long time since I posted.  So much has happened since then.  Darrell started kindergarten, I had a cancer scare...., found a lump in my boobie, started and then didn't start a period, saw my doctor bunches of times., have hit a few slumps, had a few good times, started back to school myself,  and really really just miss my daughter.  Maybe it's worse because I am not ovulating.  And I am thinking it's going to be longer than I wanted before me and my man crush get preggo again.  Recently, I have attended some birthdays for little girls.  In two weeks I will attend a first birthday bash for my niece. So, the little girl shopping must commence soon.  I love that little girl.  I tried some online shopping today, from Carter's and it hurts.  A week before I lost Claire, I had dropped hundreds on her outfits.

I'm back on zoloft.  One reason is because I am sad.  The second reason is because I am sad/grieving my daughter to the extent that doctors think I am throwing myself into BV infection, one after another, and another, and another....and ANOTHER!  I'm so over it.  They think the zoloft will keep my stresses down. Since stress induces the BV, I guess we may as well give it a shot.  My husband found a lump in my breast right around my last post.  Found out it was benign.  That is a sigh of relief, given I do have a 5 year old that needs his mom.  And I am a mom that needs her five year old.  Days go by, I miss Claire, but between his flag football, showers, kindergarten homework, PTO, and other activities I keep busy.  Not a happy busy, just busy.  Then I had my repeat PAP.  It came back abnormal, showing signs of pre-cancer.  Of course then I was thinking WTF?  I've had the year from HELL and now this?  I had an appointment for a biopsy scheduled.  Went the appointment, and my doc decides after looking at my nether region, to do a colposcopy first.  He looked at all my little cells, good and bad and told me that I had a mild dysplasia and that the biopsy was not needed.  I was glad to hear that.  After all the knots, flips, corkscrews and inversions my cervix faced from the procedure, I really couldn't take much more.  Oh and the vinegar spray, yeah um my VAG burned for hours afterwards.  That first pee was OWIE!  I have a re-check in 6 months.  It could clear itself up.  I hope so since that will be 2015 and I hope all the shitty luck ends with 2014.

My body isn't having periods on it's own.  My doc says it's because my body is in so much shock from losing Claire, and the fact that I almost died from the chorio infection.  So I am on Provera for the next three months to induce/regulate periods.  After that, if I am still not menstruating on my own, my doctor says we can start talking Clomid to help me ovulate.  So right now, I am just in limbo, and having sex for the pleasure I guess, and just pleasure.  Pregnancy is not in my immediate forecast.  And that my friends has me all kinds of fucked up.

My brain lately, has been well....a cluster fuck of sorts.  One day is great and the next is a hit by a mack truck feeling.  I really can't make sense of much.  I haven't posted or really wanted to blog.  I've avoided other blogs, been less interactive with friends/family.  I've just been blah!  And with the hellacious year I have had I think it's just damn fine.

Me and the family have made several visits to Claire.  I've taken pictures, but I haven't posted them. I haven't felt as inclined to.  Am I healing?  Shit who knows.  When we went to see her this weekend, I cried in Brandon's arms as the kids left their names on her message board.  We left flowers and a balloon.  I've started thinking of a fall motif for her grave.  Do I do pumpkins?  Do I do glittery leaves, vines?  I have no clue.  I want it to be spectacular.  I want it to be beautiful.  Fall is my favorite time of year.  I also love Halloween.  Do I buy a costume for her?  I just don't know what to do.

With all of my hopes shattered, all of my dreams on hold for who knows how long, all I can ask myself, and all I can do is wonder.......Where do we go from here?

March of Dimes Banding Together

Created a band for Claire today.  March of Dimes emailed me saying all the marches were done for 2014 but there are still more ways to donate.  One of them is the Banding Together movement.  I went ahead and started one for my little girl.  You can print a certificate as well, and I think it's a cool addition for blogs/facebook/scrapbooking.

http://www.marchofdimes.com/prematurity/b_new.asp?band_id=73172&status=1&source_id=1030546&new_band=y

You can go to that link to access Claire's and start your own.

I think it's pretty cool.  I like to do what I can in memory of my daughter.

It's try to get me knocked up week

Well......knowing me, my eggs look like this.  Silly, crazy, goofy, etc.  Which is fine, as long as they don't try hiding from Brandon's sperm.  This week is my fertile time.  Mama's got a egg goin' tubing.  In fact, based on my Ovia app, I'm a 10/10 on the fertile scale today.

What does this mean?

It means Brandon's getting laid.

We are both ready to try again.  We are both still scared as hell.  But, you never know until you try again.

Also, if I am to get pregnant this month, we will have an April baby and right now, there is no one in the family with an April birthday.  That would make our household birthdays line up like this.

February 16th - Me
February 17th - Claire
March 9th - Katelyn
April - Baby Miller
May - No birthdays
June 4th - Darrell
June 27th - Brandon
August 21st - Matthew

My fertile days started last Friday so we have been bumping uglies every other day since.

I already know the girl name if I get pregnant with a girl.  It will be Molly.  I never saw the name Claire on anything until she passed away and now it's everywhere.  Like everywhere.  Like on advertisements, television.  And guess what other name is always advertised with it?  Yep, Molly. Heck, when I visited Pottery barn kids, there was a backpack with the name Claire embroidered on it, right next to it was one with Molly.  I mean, if that isn't a sign I don't know what is.

I promised Claire that if I have another girl, I would give her the middle name Claire.  I will hold up that deal.

Here's to hoping I'm preggo soon.

I'm not crazy...I'm just a little "unwell"

I'm super sluggish today.  I'm also having a bad "Claire" day.  It seems like everything I am thinking of today I am minusing her out of.  

Darrell starts kindergarten soon.......Claire will never start school.

Planning a trip to Holiday World.....Claire will never splash around or ride a ride.

Fall/Winter clothes shopping...........The cutest clothes that Claire will never wear.

And then I did it.  I started writing her name down, and that turned into visiting the Babiesrus website.  That in turn led me to look for the crib bedding and room decor I had picked for her.  

That spelled disaster.  I downloaded the picture and then I just went downhill.  I mean I need a personal day now kind of downhill.

This was the bedding I had chosen for her.  I was going to hang victorian bird cages and paint them white.  

So many plans, and just to be shattered. 

This bedding set is called "Love birds".

TTC again, awaiting a rainbow!

Since the Provera worked and I had my "Period", we have been given the go ahead on "trying again".  I hate how that sounds.  It sure makes it sound like "It failed last time, wanna try again?"

MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.

Brandon and I both want to parent again.  We realize that we are parents to four children.  Matthew, Katelyn, Darrell, and Claire.  Our youngest surviving child is Darrell, who is now five.  I have to parent Claire from Earth while she plays in Heaven.  So that type of parenting is different.

I miss the entire scenario and want it again.  Hopefully God wants it for us as well.  While I am not sure why he would have taken Claire, he did, and well he is God, so it's not like I can go to a higher up and complain.
There is no higher up.

My fertile window is July 20-25.  I've got my ovulation calendar going, all my documentation in my Ovia app.  Now I will just buy my opk's in a few days and start jumping my husbands bones.

I don't think he will complain.  We are excited yet scared to try again.  We can't let fear dictate our lives so we are pressing on, hoping for a rainbow.

I am the face of child loss

My t-shirt arrived a few days ago.  Yes, yes, I am the face of child loss.  The face of "What the hell happened to me, her, us?"

Picnicking with Claire

Yesterday, my husband and I decided that after I got off work we would pick Claire up some flowers, and some dinner, some chairs and go have a picnic with her.  It was a beautiful sunny day, a little chilly, but the breeze, the sun, the blue sky and the clouds just floating by brought me so much relief while we visited her. We also recently placed her message board there so people who visit can leave her a message.

It seemed like she was there.  I talked to her and I had this overwhelming feeling that she was there watching, listening, and calming me.  I brought out a jar with chalk so that visitors can write to her.  We left a nice note ourselves.

It's a small world.  On my way to see Claire, I stopped at Walmart (a.k.a. money sucking store), and bought her a bouquet of flowers.  When I was checking out, the cashier asked me how I was.  I said I was fine. Then I thought to myself, "That is a lie, I am not fine".  I guess I said it out loud.  She then asked me to tell her why I wasn't fine.  I responded with, "I could tell you but then you will probably wish that I didn't".  She said "Go ahead and let it out".  I pointed at Claire's flowers and said, "I am taking those to my daughter's grave".  She said the normal "I'm so sorry".  But then she asked where Claire was buried.  I paused, not sure if I wanted to say and then told her.  Turns out her sister is buried three rows up in the same section as Claire. Her sister passed away at seventeen.  She died in a car accident.  I got the name and my husband went looking for the grave.  He found it just steps away from Claire.  In a world of nearly 8 billion people, it just seems so small at times.  This was one of those times.

We ate with our daughter.  Just us.  As we left I blew her a kiss.  And I cried.

Here are some picnic photos.

                                          Brandon got me another charm for my pandora bracelet.  This one is Claire.

                                         The way the light was shining down on her was amazing.  It took my breath away.  At that moment the sun was shining on her and only her.

Darrell is off to Kindergarten

On Friday, July 11th, 2014, Darrell graduated preschool from Firm Foundations Academy.  He received a certificate of completion and had a party with cake.  It's hard to believe that my little guy is off to elementary school.  He is such a booger.  I love him so much.  He is a great big brother to his sister Claire.  

Our weekend with Claire

My baby girl got a visit from all of us over July 4th weekend.  We also sent sky lanterns up to her and her friends Benjamin and Conner.  We took her some red, white, and blue decor.  We all miss her so much.

                                         Abbi (Brandons sister), Matthew (in back) Darrell (orange) Katie

                                               We sent Benjamin and Conners lanterns up together.

                                                    Claire's lantern.

                                            Claire's 4th of July lantern.

                                         Darrell showing me he wrote Claire's name on his mini magna doodle.

Family picture day

Isn't it sad, that in order to include all my children in a photo, I have to bring a photo in to do so.  Regardless, I am not going to have a family picture without my Claire bear.  So we definitely incorporated her into the picture.  JC Penney has been my favorite place for portraits since I had Darrell's first pictures done at six weeks of age.  I always leave there happy with the session.

I just hope that Claire is happy that we included her.  The photo that we used is a photo of her feet.  We have since hung the photo up in our dining room.

                                            Brandon and I.

                                          All of our children.

Keep in mind that these are pictures of pictures.  Our photos will be coming in the mail and will look much better than this.

July 4th Holiday

Well...people just try to make things what they should be sometimes.  Often, I just smile my way through things, tough times.  It's really sitting at fireworks and bonfires with friends knowing they should all be oooing and ahhing over my Claire.

Right now Claire would be doing one of five things.....

Eating
Pooping
Peeing
Crying
Sleeping

Not much but she would be here and that is all that matters.  Darrell is five and starts kindergarten in two weeks.  Wholeheartedly, I miss having a little one.  I still have all this want to mother inside me.  And I realize that even though I may have another baby, it doesn't make up for losing Claire.  That I totally agree with.

I am going to post some pictures of our July 4th holiday.

                                          Kids at the pool.

                                            Darrell swimming.

                                          Face painting at Indiana Grand before fireworks show.

                                         Katie

                                         Bub

                                          Glow glasses.  You can't see me but my glasses are hearts.

Yes, the fireworks were the most amazing I have ever seen.  I couldn't have been happier with the turnout.  Seeing other little baby girls did bother me.  Life is just so unfair.

St. Vincent's Baby Loss memorial

June 22nd was the memorial for the baby loss moms from the 1st quarter of 2014.  Man, that just sounds like a statistic.  Weird.  Brandon had just had back surgery two days prior and we didn't attend.  I called ahead of time and asked that they send the program to me.  I also asked them to include us in the next memorial in September.  They said they would.

Yesterday, in the mail, Claire's program arrived.  It brought tears to my eyes.  They enclosed a memorial keepsake as well.  On the back it had the meanings for her name, her middle name, my first name and Brandon's first name.  One of the words they used for hers was "vivacious".  This was exactly how she felt kicking inside me and exactly how I imagined her.  When I dreamt of her, she was very "vivacious".  I couldn't have found a word more fitting that that.

This made me very happy.  Brandon, myself, and our families will be at the next memorial.  We felt bad for missing this one but we had to.

Here are pictures of the program and memorial.

It takes special people to do this work.  But I am thankful for these people.

4th of July

Yay for 3 day weekends.  I'm so excited for this weekend.  Me, Brandon, Matthew, Katie, and Darrell are going to Indiana's best fireworks show this year.  Friends are joining us.  We didn't know about this until we visited the Casino, but this year's biggest display in Indiana will be the Fire It Up display at Hoosier Park. I can't wait.  I bought all the kids some red, white, and blue glow bracelets.  We are taking Claire's to her Thursday.

To me, fireworks are simply amazing.  They are bold, beautiful, and leave you with that AHHHHHH effect. Even into my adulthood I have always enjoyed them.  Can't wait to see the kids' eyes when they see them.

Here is the week/weekend rundown for the Miller clan.

Tonight:  Going to the fair.  And elephant ear is in my near future.

Thursday night:  Picking up Matthew and Katie and going to see Claire.  These are the items we are taking to her.

Once again, the bows were custom made by the lady at Kroger for me to take to Claire.  Aren't they beautiful?

Friday:  Brandon's little sister Abbi is coming over to stay the night.  Once she comes over we are headed to the pool for a few hours and then off to Hoosier Park for games, face painting, activities, food, and FIREWORKS!

Saturday:  Family picture day!  I have found a cute way to incorporate Claire into the picture.  Stay tuned!
                After pictures I am hoping to visit Build-A-Bear with the kids.  Then we will be headed to a
                waterpark.  Should be fun.

Sunday:   We are supposed to go swimming at Brandon's dads house.  They should have the pool ready by then.  I hope so.  I am sure we will have a cookout as well.

After all this, I will be one tired woman.  But I love to enjoy these times with the kids.  I am just missing Claire.  Having her would be like having perfection.

Claire this Nehi (not Bud) is for you!

Claire,

I drank this in honor of you today.  You loved peaches.  I would eat them and you loved it.  You would kick and move around so much when I would eat them.  I craved them like I was a crazy person.  I will always think of you when I see something peach.  Whether it is the taste, flavor, color, smell.  Peach is a me and you thing.

I love you,

Mom

3 Days to Kill and a little bit of luck

Is it bad to say that I like to see Brandon get upset about Claire?  I'm not saying I like to see my husband in pain.  But I like to see that he misses Claire.  The moments are few and far between that he will show emotion.  When those moments do come I like to immerse myself in them.  I like to feel that he feels the missing piece like I do.

We rented 3 Days to Kill.  He has been wanting to see it for quite sometime.  Well, we don't get to the theater much anymore so of course it was a redbox kinda night.  We started watching it and I fell asleep. I remember waking up feeling like I needed to do something or see something.  I looked over to see my husband with tears in his eyes.  I asked him what was wrong.  He said "I miss her, I'm thinking about Claire." I looked at the screen and it was showing a dad dancing with his young daughter.  I never said another word and just let the scene play out.

It reassured me that he loves her.  These are things I still need to know.  I doubt I'll ever stop needing to know.

The next day his mom and stepdad took us to the Casino.  We are not gamblers.  So, basically they invited us by doing a little gambling of their own.  They offered to pay for our dinner and gave us some money each to play with.  My husband wanted to go then so we went.

We walked out of the casino four hundred dollars up.  It would be more to talk about if the winnings went to something other than bills.

The endless crab legs did the trick for me.  I love crab.  I would have went just  for the crab.