A mother's personal story about the painful loss of her daughter Claire, her road to recovery, and her journey on Earth until they unite in Heaven.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Where have I been?
I'm beginning to feel entitled to letting people know what I have been up to and why I haven't been blogging. Mostly, it's school and work. And it's been beyond a shitty year. The holidays are here and I do not feel like celebrating. I would feel completely different if my daughter, Claire, who would be 6 months old at Christmas was here. And of course everyone around me is so jolly that they are blowing candy canes out of their asses.
There will be no tree going up at my office this year.
Meanwhile, this semester is almost over with. I always enjoy my business and human resource classes. I despise algebra. Oh, and I almost forgot, I have been so busy staffing Amazon this year I didn't even realize it was Thanksgiving week. I was able to squeeze time in to take some golden poinsettias out to Claire. I ate myself into a misery with three Thanksgivings.
In all three get-together's not a single person asked me how I am doing or even mentioned Claire. At some point it must become taboo or a thing of the past. And maybe people are afraid to bring such a touchy subject up this time of the year. And then of course we put our tree up. Me, Brandon, and the kids decorated it well. This year we added a "C" ornament for Claire. And we found her stocking from last year. Last year it said "Beaner", because we weren't sure on her sex yet. It's funny how so much has changed in a year. Christmas 2013 gave us a lot to look forward to. We were so excited to have a baby on the way! Christmas 2014, is the complete opposite. It's insane how so much can change in a year. We are making her new stocking.
We are getting ready to go change her decor at the cemetery. We found these awesome solar color-changing snowflake stakes. And, I am looking into Christmas grave blankets. We need some solar lights to put on a tree for her. Gosh, I miss her so much and I just feel so lost and empty. I haven't felt complete since we lost her. I'm still very moody and very confused.
Brandon and I have had our first marriage issue. A few weeks ago, I caught him in a lie. And yes, most might say it happens. Marriage isn't perfect and it isn't easy. I beg to differ. I feel like marriage shouldn't be so hard. If you are in love, and both people honor the marriage and treat each other right, why can't it be easy? Life isn't easy. Marriage should be. It should be second nature to treat people the way you want to be treated. And people are smart enough to think before they act. They just choose not to. Brandon is my second husband. My first one burnt me badly. And, I was madly in love with him. And we have a 5 year old son together. When he cheated and knocked up a co-worker, bubby was only 8 months old. After that, love and trust just hasn't been the same. I'm a sleep with one eye open kind of woman now. And I am madly in love with Brandon. Falling in love with him wasn't easy to let myself do. He knows that! And he shouldn't chance hurting me. But now he has. And now, I will always wonder if he is going to ultimately betray me. And he may not. But in my mind the possibility is there now. I will never feel completely secure with him now. We have a daughter in heaven and he couldn't act right. I'm just so pissed, and I am devastated.
I have decided to work it out with him for now. But, if and when I feel like I am unhappy and don't want to live in constant worry, I will walk out of his life faster than a speeding bullet, and I have told him that.
And, I won' think twice.
I hope everyone else has a better holiday. Being able to enjoy this time of year is special. I'm hoping next Christmas will be much improved.
Happy Holidays!
Claire's mommy
There will be no tree going up at my office this year.
Meanwhile, this semester is almost over with. I always enjoy my business and human resource classes. I despise algebra. Oh, and I almost forgot, I have been so busy staffing Amazon this year I didn't even realize it was Thanksgiving week. I was able to squeeze time in to take some golden poinsettias out to Claire. I ate myself into a misery with three Thanksgivings.
In all three get-together's not a single person asked me how I am doing or even mentioned Claire. At some point it must become taboo or a thing of the past. And maybe people are afraid to bring such a touchy subject up this time of the year. And then of course we put our tree up. Me, Brandon, and the kids decorated it well. This year we added a "C" ornament for Claire. And we found her stocking from last year. Last year it said "Beaner", because we weren't sure on her sex yet. It's funny how so much has changed in a year. Christmas 2013 gave us a lot to look forward to. We were so excited to have a baby on the way! Christmas 2014, is the complete opposite. It's insane how so much can change in a year. We are making her new stocking.
We are getting ready to go change her decor at the cemetery. We found these awesome solar color-changing snowflake stakes. And, I am looking into Christmas grave blankets. We need some solar lights to put on a tree for her. Gosh, I miss her so much and I just feel so lost and empty. I haven't felt complete since we lost her. I'm still very moody and very confused.
Brandon and I have had our first marriage issue. A few weeks ago, I caught him in a lie. And yes, most might say it happens. Marriage isn't perfect and it isn't easy. I beg to differ. I feel like marriage shouldn't be so hard. If you are in love, and both people honor the marriage and treat each other right, why can't it be easy? Life isn't easy. Marriage should be. It should be second nature to treat people the way you want to be treated. And people are smart enough to think before they act. They just choose not to. Brandon is my second husband. My first one burnt me badly. And, I was madly in love with him. And we have a 5 year old son together. When he cheated and knocked up a co-worker, bubby was only 8 months old. After that, love and trust just hasn't been the same. I'm a sleep with one eye open kind of woman now. And I am madly in love with Brandon. Falling in love with him wasn't easy to let myself do. He knows that! And he shouldn't chance hurting me. But now he has. And now, I will always wonder if he is going to ultimately betray me. And he may not. But in my mind the possibility is there now. I will never feel completely secure with him now. We have a daughter in heaven and he couldn't act right. I'm just so pissed, and I am devastated.
I have decided to work it out with him for now. But, if and when I feel like I am unhappy and don't want to live in constant worry, I will walk out of his life faster than a speeding bullet, and I have told him that.
And, I won' think twice.
I hope everyone else has a better holiday. Being able to enjoy this time of year is special. I'm hoping next Christmas will be much improved.
Happy Holidays!
Claire's mommy
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