I am the face

I am the face of a mom who has unanswered questions, confusion, sadness, moments of severe depression, scattered moments of happiness intertwined with anger at its most severe.  I am a mom who stood at the grave of a little girl I had forever longed for.  My face wears its pain most days.  The leftover days are just nonchalant because I really could give less of a damn that day, about almost anything.

I am the mom buying graveside decorations, solar lights, and a headstone for a daughter who has only ever worn a dress and wings.  I am the mom who you see darting through stores to avoid the baby department or babies altogether.  I am the mom whose breath is stolen from her at any sight of a newborn.  I am the mom who has to hold it all together for the sake of the ones who are here with me and need me here with them.

I am the mom who has had faith aplenty, lost it completely, and am trying to regain it.  I am the mom who buys balloons and flowers for a little girl who will never hold them in her hands.  I am the mom who drags herself to make it through many days.  I am the mom who talks to her daughter even though she cannot be seen.

I am the face of a mom who lost it all.

One Moment In Time

There should be more baskets

Ever attend a holiday event just to get a reminder that you are missing a family member?  I was reminded this weekend.  Last weekend was Easter weekend, but not all of the family could be there, so we scheduled our Easter dinner at my husbands dads over this past weekend.  Once we arrived I walked into my father-in-laws house and saw all the Easter baskets sitting on the kitchen counter.  I thought of Claire instantly.  She didn't have a basket there.  My son and my step-children had baskets but there was nothing for Claire.

I realize my daughter is not physically here but in spirit, in memory, and in my hopes and dreams she is.  I hurt when I see her counted out.  I know that it may have been to keep from upsetting me.  Right now, no one knows how to approach me.  And, I get that.  I may or may not know how to approach a grieving mother that is one day thankful to have met her little girl and the next day she is a pissed off mess.  Still, I need Claire to be included.  No one is going to have a bond with her like I do.  I'm her mother, and she lived inside me.  She heard my heartbelt, heard me sing, felt my emotions, and knew my schedule.  She knew me and I knew her.  She sees me and I envision her.

The rest of the day I just kept thinking about that missing basket.  I am good at pulling it together when need be.  I mean, I have to work, I have to move forward, and I have to do what I can to heal.  Basket or not, if it is all up to just me....she will be remembered.

We did, however, make it to the cemetery to take her butterfly balloon.  Her brother, Darrell, came along and wanted to tell her hello.  We left the balloon and changed her flag from Happy Easter to Forever in our Hearts.  When we drove off, Darrell looked over at her grave and said "Bye baby Claire."  My heart sank.  I don't think it will ever float again.

Colors of Claire

Somewhere over the rainbow, is heaven, where a beautiful baby girl lives.  This little angel happens to be my daughter.  And I am somewhat; okay completely smitten with her.  When I envision her in heaven I see her wearing wings that reflect gorgeous colors that are almost beyond imagination.  And who really knows all the colors in heaven?  There may be colors cascading throughout that are so beautiful that our minds simply cannot contain it.

I see some of these gorgeous (recognizable) colors in this butterfly balloon.  But I see beyond that because I picture rainbows of abounding light, prisms, sparkles, shimmers all around her.  I picture her dancing in the array of these color collisions.  I hear her speaking in tones so beautiful to the ears, because she is an angel and what could be more beautiful that that?

I bought the balloon and I will take it to her.  Colors of Claire.

Livin' on a Prayer (Not Bon Jovi either)

I found this on the internet today and it totally speaks how I feel.  No I did not steal this, as I am sure it is copyrighted so I have included the authors information below.  I am not one for plagiarism, so don't worry.

There are days that I simply live on a prayer.  A prayer that my baby girl is happy in heaven.  I need her to be happy.  I need her to be ok.  I need her to know that I love her and I need to know that she believes in me.

I'm just a little baby
who didn't quite make it there;
I went straight to be with Jesus
but I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me mommy
I'm of all God's most blessed
I'd have loved to stay there with you
but Heavenly Father knows what's best.

Many who dwell here where I live
waited years to enter in,
they struggled through a world of sorrow
and their lives were marred with sin.

So sweet mommy don't be sad,
wipe those tears and chase the gloom,
I went straight to be with Jesus,
from my lovely mothers womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don't complain;
I have all of heaven's glory
suffering none of the world's pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me,
I'm thankful for all you've done.
I'll be waiting here for you
in heaven up above.

I would have loved to stay with you,
And lived life by your side,
But the Lord has called me home,
I know it's hard to understand why.

Thank you mommy for making me,
You made me out of love,
I can't wait for the day I see you again
So you can see what I've become.

I'm an angel here in heaven,
The Lord's here by my side,
He wants me to let you know
He's sorry he made you cry.

He has a plan for me up here,
And a plan for you here too,
Someday we'll be together again,
And this I know is true.

 Author: Courtesy of Colorado Kari

The Bereaved Mother

I AM A BEREAVED MOTHER

A Thousand Hearts

Saw this and bought it for my Claire bear. So true.

Easter and all that jazz

Do you know how much is sucks to have to deliver an Easter basket to your childs' grave?  I am sure some of the people who read this post will actually know how horrible it feels to have to celebrate the memory of someone on Easter.  Especially if it is a child that has passed thru this world.

On Easter Claire's dad and I had 4 baskets to make for Easter this year, but only 3 of them would actually be placed into our children's hands.  The other would be taken to the cemetery where our daughter, Claire rests.  We can't give her candy to enjoy and get messy with.  We can only gift her presents to sit on a mound of dirt that covers her.  We get to stand in front of a grave that holds a dream, a hope, a desire, a love, a pain, a piece of our hearts.

The fact that Jesus died and rose again gives me faith that Claire was able to do the same.  No, I didn't physically see her ascend to heaven, but faith tells me that I am not supposed to.  We are supposed to have faith in what we cannot see.  I am choosing to go this route.  I have to if I want to ever see my baby girl again.  God, I miss her.  Each nanosecond there is a sadness running through my core.  There are moments when it is hard to breathe.

We are still waiting for the footer to be poured so her headstone can be set.  We paid weeks ago and the check has been cashed and yet no footer.  This momma wants that footer poured ASAP.  I want her stone to be placed, it will be some relief for me.  I know there are many contributing factors like the temperature and weather, but so far this week it has been pretty good.

I consider this Easter to be Claire's first Easter.  It truly is even though it isn't here on Earth.  I am sure it is much more celebrated in Heaven where Jesus is.

Return To Zero/Three Minus One

As I keep searching for self-healing mechanisms I learn more and more about what is out there for those who have suffered a loss.  I wonder was I blind before or just plain dumb when it came to crisis in pregnancy and infant loss.  Did I think I was above and beyond that?  Did I just think God had a straight path for me to walk with no hills to climb and no valleys to nearly drown in?  I don't know what I thought or where my mind was, but now I'm being taught that I just did not pay any attention to the sad stories I had heard in the past. Did I shrug them off because I had no interest?  Did I think I was immune?  Certainly, I am not.  I am WELL aware of this now.  Is this horrible turn of events meant to teach me a lesson that I would never have been interested in learning?  Was it meant to open my eyes?  Make me grateful?  Break me apart?  Was it meant to strengthen my relationship with my loved ones? God?

I would like to give some serious kudos to LMN (Lifetime Movie Network) for airing a movie on May 17, 2014 called Return to Zero.  This movie is about grieving parents of a stillborn baby that are trying to move on and start a family.  I think this will hit home for me and many others.  I think it is damn near brilliant in fact. With it being based on a true story, I am game.  I like facts.  I like that it is real and I can relate.

Also, this movie is based off of a book called "Three Minus One".

I think both of these titles are soon to be a part of my library.

A Heavenly birthday

Today marks your 2 month anniversary in heaven.  Two months I've been wearing a permanent scar on my heart.  I think about you all the time, I wonder, daydream, fantasize about all of what might have been.  I know there is something beyond my understanding that called for you to be an angel with Jesus.  I will love you forever Claire Bear.

Just you and me

Tuesday, 4/15/2014 was a rough day for me.  It was dreary, cold, and snowy.  All of which I hate.  I went to Krogers and was asked about a baby shower.  It threw me into a awkward weird freak-out moment.  I then bought you a big butterfly and flowers and came to see you at the cemetery.  It was cold but I stood there for a while talking to you.  Did you hear me?  I hope you did.  These are some of the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen.  I know you have to love them.

That same day your March of Dimes bracelets arrived.  They are awesome!  I will bring you one soon.  I hope you are proud of me for walking in your memory.  I sure am proud to call you my daughter.

Love you always,

Mommy

Weekend minus worries

Claire,

Your dad and I were very concerned last weekend that there would be troubles since the last two times we had your brothers and sister were rough weekends.  One was the weekend I had you and was in the hospital for several days and one was the weekend your dad had emergency gallbladder surgery and was hospitalized for several days.  This past weekend was a good one, well as good as it gets without you here with us.

I wanted to write to you to let you know what we did over the weekend.  I am sure you watched us but just in case you didn't, I am bringing you up to speed.

Friday night we had dinner at Denny's and then we went home.  Saturday we woke up super early and went to Matthew's recognition ceremony for the start of baseball season and then we went to his first baseball game.  He plays for the BlueJays and his team won their first game!  We then went to see the Easter Bunny and your brothers and sister got their picture made with him/her.

Afterwards we went to do an Easter egg hunt and Katie and Darrell (Bub) found some eggs and won some candy.  They enjoyed it.  We went to the nearby park and played for a bit.  

While we were in Walmart seeing the Easter Bunny your siblings found a baby toy they wanted to bring to you at the cemetery.  So we got you a toy and a butterfly balloon.  Then we came to see you.  We left you the toy and the balloon.  We released it later so it could come up to heaven.

Afterwards we went and visited your mamaw Melissa and your papaw Trent, Abbi, Brittany and Ellie Sue.  It was a nice visit.

On Sunday, we went to Incrediplex which is an indoor family fun center that is right down the street from where I work.  It was a fun day.  We had ice cream at Dairy Queen later that day.

All in all it was a good weekend.  We missed you.  We always miss you.  I hope you know that.

Mom

As the world turns....

There are complicated days and there are simple days, as the world keeps on turning.  Seasons are going and seasons are starting, days are getting longer and nights are shorter, temperatures are climbing and the wind is festering up pollen.  People are traveling, baseball games have started and Easter has almost arrived.
Ah, Easter, the time of year we celebrate the risen king!  The time where we get to remind ourselves that Jesus died, rose up, and ascended to heaven.  The time where we find hope that we never truly die, we just move on.....to a better place.

Today is two months since Claire was born and passed away.  Today is a day where I am trying to remind myself that there is a Heaven, that there is eternity, that there is God.  I am telling myself that God loves my Claire, or his Claire, however it shall be seen.  Having faith in the unseen and unknown is harder for some people than it is others.  It is especially hard for me.  Not just in a spiritual sense but in every sense of the word.  Faith.  What is faith?  What benefit, role, blessing will faith play in my life?  On Earth, I have very little faith in people.  Everyday I hear of shootings, killings, rapes, etc.  How should I find faith in people when the type of people I knew as a child are not the "type" of people I know now.  The world has changed, I have changed with it.  We all do.  With or without permission, the world changes us.

Before losing my daughter, I had a lot more faith.  I had faith I would have her healthy and happy in my arms on or around June 27th, 2014 (my husbands birthday).  I took good care of her while she was inside me. I've never smoked, I never drank, I do not do drugs, I ate healthy, attended all my doctor visits and ultrasounds, just to have her die.  In the past week I have learned of a woman who murdered 6 of her children by suffocating and strangling them shortly after their birth inside the home they were supposed to live in. Faith? I'm supposed to have faith?  I am a woman who loves her children, and her stepchildren, I am a good person and I lost my daughter while women were killing theirs.  That doesn't help me find faith.  No, what that does, is it makes me question it.  I don't want to question it, but to deny that I don't would make me a liar.

Yesterday while attending my pre-pregnancy appointment with my husband and the OB that delivered Claire, I witnessed a (approx. 7 month) pregnant woman walk out of her appointment just to light up a cigarette and smoke.  No, I am not judging her because I am not someone that judges, but I am wondering how someone who appears to care so little about the health of their baby and themselves will soon hold that baby in their arms while I sit or lay somewhere grieving over Claire.  Damn it people, be thankful for what you have and treat it like it's not something you take for granted.  It could be gone in the blink of an eye, or in Claire's case, three minutes.  

I have to keep having faith in heaven though.  I have to keep trying to believe that heaven is in fact for real. And in some aspects of the matter, I do have faith that heaven is real.  The Earth and everything in it makes it hard to envision it.  I keep telling myself it is not something I can envision, because it surpasses my understanding.  It is much more than what my brain can conjure up.  If there wasn't faith, you know that "faith the size of a mustard seed", I would have already picked a bridge and flung myself off of it.  Just like this, EENIE, MEENI, MINEY, MO........JUMP!  I can't say it would be exactly like that, because of course I would want to pick one that after the fall there was ZERO chance I could survive it and ZERO chance I would feel it.  Other than that mustard seed of faith, I do have a son, two stepchildren, a husband, a family, friends, a career, a nearing graduation from college date, etc.  So I guess I do have some things in life that are important and also some things that have derived from faith.

This could just be an "off day" for me or it could be a day where I am being totally honest with myself.  Who knows.  With it being the two month anniversary of Claire's passing I could be having some "nut job" moments.  I think it's fair to say I will have those days for a while, a long while.  More like the rest of my life. If there is one thing I have total faith in right now, it is faith that as the world turns I will never get over Claire.

Monument for my princess

Claire's headstone is almost complete.  Today the monument place emailed me pictures of her headstone, front and back photos are included below.  I love it.  The picture of her feet had to be sent off for completion so we are just basically waiting on that before getting it set up.

Is it strange that this gives me a little relief?  It's something to memorialize her.  I need it and I think she deserves it.

I really miss her.  Really bad.

The company you keep

Today was a remarkable day!  I work for a remarkable company and I have always known that since interviewing with them.  Before I even started my job with Unistaff, I knew it was a blessing.  The owners are fantastic.  My co-workers are genuinely nice people.  When they say that when a person loves their job they never work a day in their life, it is true.  I love what I do.  I enjoy it and I enjoy it with some pretty awesome people.  With that being said, today I receive a UPS package at work, open it and there is a card addressed to me.  Inside the card, my co-workers wrote me lovely messages of support.  Support for Claire, support for March of Dimes.  I am overwhelmed with the support right now.  It is wonderful.  I have included a picture of the donation and the card.  Claire has to be smiling in heaven, somewhere over the rainbow.  There was also a large money donation in honor of Team Claire for the March of Dimes.  I am still speechless.  Happy tears today.  My soul feels cleansed today.  God knows just how to show up and show off. : )

Supporting babies.....it's the right thing for babies, it's the right thing for Claire

Ordered bracelets to support March of Dimes today.  What happened to Claire was devastating, and I am just one mom facing the issues that are out there.  I cannot think of a more wonderful cause that supporting innocent babies and helping fund research to give them all a happy and healthy start.

Team Claire

March of Dimes Family Team T-shirts have been ordered by the family!  We personalized ours to say "TEAM CLAIRE".  I will walk every year that I can for my baby girl.  This year we ordered the charcoal shirts.  I think they will look great with jeans.

Excited to support my little girl and to help support babies who need it.

March of Dimes

Claire's grandma and grandpa came for a visit last night.  They brought me this cute little March of dimes mommy and baby puppy keepsake.  Mom bought it at K-Mart.  K-Mart is one of March of Dimes biggest supporters so they are having these on sale at the stores for fundraising.  I think it is great!  I have this one on my desk at work.  Before Claire passed I wasn't much of a donation person.  I would donate here and there but mostly just passed on donations for causes.  Since she has passed I have done a 360.  I want to donate and I want to be involved.  I know it took my own tragedy to open my eyes but at least I have made a change in myself now.  I realize the importance of supporting causes now.  Especially causes for innocent little ones that don't make it home, spend time in the NICU, or have health issues.  I feel for the mommas too.  This tragedy has softened my heart.

Here is a pic of mine and Claire's puppy keepsake for March of Dimes.  My family and I are walking in the Indianapolis, IN walk this year on 5/10/2014.

Etsy

YAY!!!!  Hubby went to the Post office yesterday and there they were! Claire's fairy solar jars and message jars.  I am absolutely in love with them.  They are beyond my expectations.  They have not yet been tried at night because I am not going to place them at the cemetery until her stone is placed.  My husband and his dad (Trent) will then drill holes in the concrete slab on each side of the stone and place shepherds hooks in the holes.  That is when these beautiful solar jars will be hung.  I am very excited.  The hard part is waiting.  I hope my angel loves these as much as I do.

Portal of, it will never be enough

Grave decorations, posting pictures, walking/donating for March of Dimes, blogging, keepsakes, writing letters, cards, etc. will never be enough.  None of these will be enough to bring you back to me.  As much as I keep trying and depending on ways to show affection and love to her, none of them will give me Claire. None will put her in my arms where she belongs.  In moments of pure desperation I often feel a sickening in my stomach when I realize that beyond love, hope, prayers, and faith there is nothing else I can do to get that little girl here with me.  I know that I will keep searching for ways to connect, keep buying her little mementos and sharing her story, but all at the cost of shear hope she can see it and feel it.  It's raining AGAIN today which always puts a damper on my mood.  Blah!  I hate the rain, the grayness in the sky, the smell of rain in the air.  I just hate it.  I know it is necessary for survival of many things on this Earth.  It is essential in the growth of the grass, trees, flowers, etc.  But hell right now I couldn't care less if the flowers bloomed this year.  Shopping for patio decor I can't help but cringe at the mere sight of a porch swing.  I had so many plans for myself, Claire, and a porch swing.  I pictured us out in the sun, swinging in a gentle breeze with the smell of fresh lilac in the air.  I pictured her gulping down her bottle and wearing tiny little sunglasses. A girl has got to have her shades.  I had my maternity leave all planned out.

Now, there is no maternity leave. There is no porch swing.  There is not a damn thing to look forward to.

Well, I guess I can't say that.  I am looking forward to trying again, well a little some days and a lot others.  It's a scary feeling now.  Will I carry to term?  Will the baby be healthy?  Will I even get pregnant again?  So many questions with God being the only one knowing the answers.

Where is the crystal ball that actually works?  I guess I'll splurge on a Magic 8 ball and just try that route.  It'll be just as much guesswork.

Screw porch swings.  Fuck you rain.

Claire Evelyn Miller

Well, we did it.  Brandon and I went and finalized the headstone for Claire.  We did what no parent should ever have to do.  We picked the headstone that will stand at the grave of our daughter.  It was very surreal and we both cried a bit.  I turned out beautiful.  If the rain slows down, we may even have it up soon.  We also may be able to see it completed this weekend, of course that would be at the monument place, not the cemetery.  I was adamant about it being up by memorial day.  Then she will have a vase for her flowers and I can get her shepherds hooks placed.   Here is sketch from the monument place that shows what it will look like.

The left hand side is what the stone will look like from the front.  The right hand side is what the stone will look like on the back.

Balloons for my girl

I am a balloon lover.  In fact I prefer balloons over flowers for myself.  I feel they are a great sentiment.  I was this way as a child as well.  Every time I had a party, my request???  Balloons of course.  So this weekend Claire's dad (my husband) and I picked up some pretty balloons for Claire and took them to her at the cemetery.  Helium balloons last pretty well, depending on weather conditions.  The weather is supposed to be decent this week.  I figure we will cut them down when we take out her Easter basket for Easter.
Here are a few pics of the balloons we took to her.

I hope she knows we are thinking of her.

Digging Deep

While Claire's dad and I were out on Saturday finalizing the headstone with the monument company, I had to provide them with a picture of her feet, for a picture that will be placed on the top of her headstone.  While having ahold of her pictures I decided to go ahead a place some of those pictures here.  These pictures were taken shortly after delivery and shortly after Claire passed thru this life and into God's arms.  These pictures are of her feet (which will be on her headstone), and her father and I spending time with her after she was born.

Due to the chorioamnionitis infection I had to be placed on antibiotics intravenously for two more days post delivery.  During this time I was able to keep her with me.  One night I slept with her in my hospital bed. Those days were tough because all I could do was wonder why they couldn't help her live.  Although she was very premature she had perfect features and was cute as a button.  During those two days my husband and I switched off holding her.  I am thankful we were able to do that.

The hospital made us a keepsake book for Claire, which I will soon turn into a scrapbook.  They gave us the blankets she was wrapped in and a nice basket that we delivered her to the funeral home in.  They took her hand/foot prints and made us a lovely heart shaped decoration in her memory.  They really hated to see what happened to us, happen.  Unfortunately, they see it almost daily.  Babies die.  I cannot grasp this but the fact of the matter is that they do.  It is the most horrible pain and it is unthinkable.  That is why I never thought about losing my little girl.  Now, I know the statistics.  I know that babies die and I know this because mine did.  This isn't fair.  All babies should live and be happy and healthy.

These pictures are very dear to me.....

I think of you often Claire Bear.  I will never stop.

Rain...rain...go away.

Come again, NEVER!  Gosh, I hate rain.  I'm also not a fan of snow either.  Basically, I am only happy when the sun is shining bright.  Seems the weather forecasts that for the weekend, which is nice since Brandon and I are going to visit Claire.  We are also going to put final payment on her headstone so it can be placed.  Saturday night we are going on our first double date since Claire passed away.  We need friends. We just don't have many.  Brandon and I are each other's best friends.  I want to keep it that way because I love that man so much.  He is a blessing I am thankful to God for.  But...we need friends.  Mutual friends help.  They just do.  So it's going to be dinner out to PF Changs (my favorite).  I am redecorating the dining room and so this weekend we are going to Hobby Lobby too.  This week at work has been super busy for me.  I placed 22 people into jobs so far this week.  At least there are 22 people who like me this week. : ) Darrell has all good reports at preschool for the week and we visited with Matthew and Katie yesterday. Went bouncing and shared a big pizza.  Brandon has lost 6 lbs since his gallbladder surgery.  He quit drinking Pespi cold turkey last Thursday.  He celebrates a week Pepsi free today.  He says caffeine withdrawals are the worst.  I'm drinking a lot more water too.  I love my Monster drinks though.  MMMMMMMMM......Monster.

Fairy jars!!!!!!!!!!

I ordered these solar mason jars (called fairy jars), off of Etsy.  This was my first Etsy purchase.  I saw them and thought they were fantastic.  Brandon even thinks they are great for Claire.  The way that they will sparkle when the sun hits them and the way they will glow at night will hopefully put a smile on my little angel's face.  Oh how I love that Claire Bear of mine.  These solar jars (fairy jars) will hang on the shepherds hooks that we will drill into the foundation that is poured for her headstone.  The lady from Etsy also created a custom message jar for Claire to have at her grave for loved ones to leave her little messages.  As the jar gets full I will add the messages to her scrapbook.  You can see the jars below.  I have posted a picture of what one will look like at night.