As the world turns....

There are complicated days and there are simple days, as the world keeps on turning.  Seasons are going and seasons are starting, days are getting longer and nights are shorter, temperatures are climbing and the wind is festering up pollen.  People are traveling, baseball games have started and Easter has almost arrived.
Ah, Easter, the time of year we celebrate the risen king!  The time where we get to remind ourselves that Jesus died, rose up, and ascended to heaven.  The time where we find hope that we never truly die, we just move on.....to a better place.

Today is two months since Claire was born and passed away.  Today is a day where I am trying to remind myself that there is a Heaven, that there is eternity, that there is God.  I am telling myself that God loves my Claire, or his Claire, however it shall be seen.  Having faith in the unseen and unknown is harder for some people than it is others.  It is especially hard for me.  Not just in a spiritual sense but in every sense of the word.  Faith.  What is faith?  What benefit, role, blessing will faith play in my life?  On Earth, I have very little faith in people.  Everyday I hear of shootings, killings, rapes, etc.  How should I find faith in people when the type of people I knew as a child are not the "type" of people I know now.  The world has changed, I have changed with it.  We all do.  With or without permission, the world changes us.

Before losing my daughter, I had a lot more faith.  I had faith I would have her healthy and happy in my arms on or around June 27th, 2014 (my husbands birthday).  I took good care of her while she was inside me. I've never smoked, I never drank, I do not do drugs, I ate healthy, attended all my doctor visits and ultrasounds, just to have her die.  In the past week I have learned of a woman who murdered 6 of her children by suffocating and strangling them shortly after their birth inside the home they were supposed to live in. Faith? I'm supposed to have faith?  I am a woman who loves her children, and her stepchildren, I am a good person and I lost my daughter while women were killing theirs.  That doesn't help me find faith.  No, what that does, is it makes me question it.  I don't want to question it, but to deny that I don't would make me a liar.

Yesterday while attending my pre-pregnancy appointment with my husband and the OB that delivered Claire, I witnessed a (approx. 7 month) pregnant woman walk out of her appointment just to light up a cigarette and smoke.  No, I am not judging her because I am not someone that judges, but I am wondering how someone who appears to care so little about the health of their baby and themselves will soon hold that baby in their arms while I sit or lay somewhere grieving over Claire.  Damn it people, be thankful for what you have and treat it like it's not something you take for granted.  It could be gone in the blink of an eye, or in Claire's case, three minutes.  

I have to keep having faith in heaven though.  I have to keep trying to believe that heaven is in fact for real. And in some aspects of the matter, I do have faith that heaven is real.  The Earth and everything in it makes it hard to envision it.  I keep telling myself it is not something I can envision, because it surpasses my understanding.  It is much more than what my brain can conjure up.  If there wasn't faith, you know that "faith the size of a mustard seed", I would have already picked a bridge and flung myself off of it.  Just like this, EENIE, MEENI, MINEY, MO........JUMP!  I can't say it would be exactly like that, because of course I would want to pick one that after the fall there was ZERO chance I could survive it and ZERO chance I would feel it.  Other than that mustard seed of faith, I do have a son, two stepchildren, a husband, a family, friends, a career, a nearing graduation from college date, etc.  So I guess I do have some things in life that are important and also some things that have derived from faith.

This could just be an "off day" for me or it could be a day where I am being totally honest with myself.  Who knows.  With it being the two month anniversary of Claire's passing I could be having some "nut job" moments.  I think it's fair to say I will have those days for a while, a long while.  More like the rest of my life. If there is one thing I have total faith in right now, it is faith that as the world turns I will never get over Claire.