Where do we go from here.......

Well......damn it's been a heck of a long time since I posted.  So much has happened since then.  Darrell started kindergarten, I had a cancer scare...., found a lump in my boobie, started and then didn't start a period, saw my doctor bunches of times., have hit a few slumps, had a few good times, started back to school myself,  and really really just miss my daughter.  Maybe it's worse because I am not ovulating.  And I am thinking it's going to be longer than I wanted before me and my man crush get preggo again.  Recently, I have attended some birthdays for little girls.  In two weeks I will attend a first birthday bash for my niece. So, the little girl shopping must commence soon.  I love that little girl.  I tried some online shopping today, from Carter's and it hurts.  A week before I lost Claire, I had dropped hundreds on her outfits.

I'm back on zoloft.  One reason is because I am sad.  The second reason is because I am sad/grieving my daughter to the extent that doctors think I am throwing myself into BV infection, one after another, and another, and another....and ANOTHER!  I'm so over it.  They think the zoloft will keep my stresses down. Since stress induces the BV, I guess we may as well give it a shot.  My husband found a lump in my breast right around my last post.  Found out it was benign.  That is a sigh of relief, given I do have a 5 year old that needs his mom.  And I am a mom that needs her five year old.  Days go by, I miss Claire, but between his flag football, showers, kindergarten homework, PTO, and other activities I keep busy.  Not a happy busy, just busy.  Then I had my repeat PAP.  It came back abnormal, showing signs of pre-cancer.  Of course then I was thinking WTF?  I've had the year from HELL and now this?  I had an appointment for a biopsy scheduled.  Went the appointment, and my doc decides after looking at my nether region, to do a colposcopy first.  He looked at all my little cells, good and bad and told me that I had a mild dysplasia and that the biopsy was not needed.  I was glad to hear that.  After all the knots, flips, corkscrews and inversions my cervix faced from the procedure, I really couldn't take much more.  Oh and the vinegar spray, yeah um my VAG burned for hours afterwards.  That first pee was OWIE!  I have a re-check in 6 months.  It could clear itself up.  I hope so since that will be 2015 and I hope all the shitty luck ends with 2014.

My body isn't having periods on it's own.  My doc says it's because my body is in so much shock from losing Claire, and the fact that I almost died from the chorio infection.  So I am on Provera for the next three months to induce/regulate periods.  After that, if I am still not menstruating on my own, my doctor says we can start talking Clomid to help me ovulate.  So right now, I am just in limbo, and having sex for the pleasure I guess, and just pleasure.  Pregnancy is not in my immediate forecast.  And that my friends has me all kinds of fucked up.

My brain lately, has been well....a cluster fuck of sorts.  One day is great and the next is a hit by a mack truck feeling.  I really can't make sense of much.  I haven't posted or really wanted to blog.  I've avoided other blogs, been less interactive with friends/family.  I've just been blah!  And with the hellacious year I have had I think it's just damn fine.

Me and the family have made several visits to Claire.  I've taken pictures, but I haven't posted them. I haven't felt as inclined to.  Am I healing?  Shit who knows.  When we went to see her this weekend, I cried in Brandon's arms as the kids left their names on her message board.  We left flowers and a balloon.  I've started thinking of a fall motif for her grave.  Do I do pumpkins?  Do I do glittery leaves, vines?  I have no clue.  I want it to be spectacular.  I want it to be beautiful.  Fall is my favorite time of year.  I also love Halloween.  Do I buy a costume for her?  I just don't know what to do.

With all of my hopes shattered, all of my dreams on hold for who knows how long, all I can ask myself, and all I can do is wonder.......Where do we go from here?