Happy 1st Birthday/Angelversary

Dear Claire,

Today is your 1st birthday, and yet you celebrate in Heaven.  On Earth, we celebrated the best we could.  It was an emotional day for your dad and I.  Family and friends sent us texts throughout the day to let us know they were thinking of us and you.  Your dad and I both took today off work, and we celebrated you.  You see Claire, although you aren't physically here, you are here.  Our hearts contain you.  Your family and our close friends love you.  You have impacted many lives.  I dreaded this day coming as I will in all the remaining years of my life.  I will always desire to celebrate with you in a physical form.  Today we picked up a cake you will never taste, a cake we will never see all over your face.  These are things we will never get to enjoy here.  And it sucks.  Nothing sucks worse.

For the rest of my life I will be forced to remember that on my birthday I knew I was going to lose you.  And the next day you were gone.  There is no anticipation of my birthday anymore, and there is dread for each year I will face yours, where I will only be able to celebrate in memory of you.  I cling to hope that you know my heart.  If you can feel my love, I know you will understand there is no greater love.  And with losing you there has been no greater misery.  I have to think of the good things.  You soar like an eagle in a heaven full of beautiful colors.  Colors I have never seen.  The brilliance of heaven shining on your smile, glistening in your hair, and sparkling on your face.  You have people to love you there, and you have no pain or sadness.

I want you to be proud of the woman that I am.  The mom that I am.  The wife that I am.  The strength that I have. Most of all, I want you to be proud that even though we have never had eye contact, I know the deep blue color of your eyes, your endless smile, and your bouncing curls.  I have seen them in my dreams, and I live to see those in reality.

Today, your dad and I came to see you and we decorated for you.  We know you will love it.  He brought you happy birthday lights, banners, a birthday girl sash for your tree, some flowers, and birthday girl balloons.

You will forever be my greatest joy!  Happy Birthday Claire Bear, I love you with all I am.

Love,

Mommy