Ode to Return to Zero

Saturday night, my husband and I watched Return to Zero.  The movie was absolutely heartbreaking and it broke mine more than a few times.  During the movie there were times I just started bawling.  I couldn't help it.  Mr. Prister (I don't cry) actually cried himself.  After the movie was over he just sat there speechless and motionless next to me.  We were like two mannequins in shock.  I was the first one to get off the couch to pee.  When I came back he was just sitting there, staring at me.  I asked him what was wrong and his response was "I miss her."  This movie couldn't have hit home any more than it did.  Up to the end when she was reluctant on loving and accepting the rainbow baby, they hit the nail on the head.  Perfectly.  These too, are thoughts I have as well.  Will I love the baby like I love Claire?  Will Claire feel replaced?

No matter what I will not be replacing my baby girl.  I couldn't even if I wanted to because there were so many things she and I did to connect that I will never feel again.  She put her imprint on the world.  My world.  Her kicks, her somersaults, flips, and hip hop dancing she did in my belly, will always be a memory for me.  I swear that little girl had rhythm.  She heard music and she danced.  She is just like her momma. Loves music and all that goes along with it.

A few weeks after Claire passed, I felt some tension between Brandon and I.  Tension I didn't admit to him I felt until after the movie.  There were times I thought her death would kill our marriage.  Like there was nothing to celebrate anymore, nothing to look forward to, nothing to hold onto.  Almost like there was more reason to give up than to push on.  Although that feeling did subside, I still have my days where I wonder what will become of my life now.  I want to have more children because I miss the bonding, the mothering, the need that the baby has for it's mom.  Darrell is almost five and he is beyond needing me for most things now.  He tells me himself to cut the cord because at times I almost want him to be a baby again.  I know he needs to grow up and be a man.  I need to back off and let him grow up and I do know this.  The problem is accepting it.

Minnie Driver played this role like a boss.  I admire her for doing so.  Momma's like me and some dear friends of mine needed this movie.  It shows that having hope is required.  It shows us that God's ways, although sometimes understandable, are the right ways.  As time passes, I seem to be forgiving her death a little more, I do not understand it, and I never will, but I am letting go, hoping that I am right in doing so. Holding onto a grudge is painful enough on the heart when it is with a friend or foe.  But when it's God, well that is just so much more intense.  I do not want him to be angry with me for questioning him on why he took her.  I can't hear his response on why, so a one sided story makes it so hard.

I've signed up to go on a return to zero retreat.  You can do so to by visiting returntozerothemovie.com.

We recorded this movie, I will need it for the rest of my life.