Today is Brandon's birthday. But, it comes with a terrible twist.
Today was Claire's due date. How sad is it that Brandon has to remember this date as the due date of a daughter born too early and not surviving? It's sickening.
If Claire hadn't fallen victim to that horrible infection, I would have either already had her sometime this week or be so fat that I couldn't drive myself to work.
Brandon and I talked about that last night. We figured I would have to get a ride to work or take a cab. No matter what I would have waddled my fat butt into work until Claire said "It's time!"
Today I sit here at work, not pregnant, and totally devastated that I am not. Later, we will celebrate his birthday by driving to the cemetery.
What have I done so wrong in my life to deserve this?
I mean, I know I have made poor choices, mistakes, and I am not the mirror image of a saint. But, I am not a bad person. I have a good heart, I am responsible, I am a good mom. I could beat myself up but I could not in one million years figure it out. Even more so, what did Claire do to deserve this?
What an endless road of sorrow.
During the week, we have tried to make the best of his birthday. We did have cake and ice cream with the kids. I got Brandon a new facial/hair trimmer set. The one he had been using appeared as if it could burn the house down if it was plugged in again. He was happy to get the new one.
Last night, we took Darrell and his friend Jacob from preschool to Big Bounce. They had a lot of fun wearing each other out.
Tonight we are going to see Claire, and head to Hobby Lobby to get some decorations for her grave for the 4th of July. We will have all our kiddos that weekend and they will want to visit her. Tomorrow, we are going out to dinner with Brandon's mom and stepdad. Sunday, we get to go to the Casino. Honestly, this is more for Brandon than myself. I really don't like gambling. But hey, that probably stems from the fact that all of my prior attempts failed. I never win anything.
Here are some pics from the week. Also, Claire got a visit from her cousin Ellie yesterday. I think this picture is so cute. They would have been best friends.
Big Bounce!
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