The Story of You

You were born 2/17/2014 at 21 weeks gestational.  We named you Claire Evelyn Miller.  You were 14.6 ounces and 10.5 inches long.  Your time of birth was 3:42 A.M. and you became an Angel at 3:45 A.M.  All of your features were there.  You have my crooked 2nd toes, your dads big hands and feet, my nose and small ears.  There were few small blonde hairs on your head.  I got to see your little butt, it was so cute.  You were well on your way to being a perfectly healthy, happy little girl.  While inside my belly you loved peaches.  You wanted me to eat them all the time.  I craved them daily and would eat them by the can/jar fulls.  It was never enough.  That is why my other nickname for you is Peach.  You are my peach.  Peaches were your favorite taste, smell, everything.  Now I burn candles for the peach smell.  I refuse to eat them though.  I probably will never eat another peach.  Peaches are a me and you thing.  

You moved around a lot, kicking me and rolling around.  I swear you were practicing somersaults in there.  There were moments of peaceful flutters and moments of raging kicks.  I didn't care though.  I loved it, I love you.  I felt your first movement at around 17 weeks.  I was sitting at the dinner table with your dad and brother Darrell.  I was eating and BOOM, I felt you.  I knew it was you and I told your dad.  I started to feel you all the time after that.  

On the morning of 2/15/2014, I woke up to a contraction at 7:30 A.M.  Went to the bathroom and caught the mucus plug in my hand.  I knew then something was very wrong.  I called the doctor and he told me to just take it easy.  Then at 2 P.M. there was blood.  I called again and they asked me to come in ASAP.  Your dad basically flew us there.  He was scared and I could tell.  I figured they would give me something to stop contractions and we would go home.  I was very wrong.  They took me to a room and did an exam.  Told me I was dilated and sent me down to Ultrasound.  The look on the ultrasound technicians face was priceless.  I knew she knew something was wrong.  She never said a word and left.  When I got back to the room they tried giving me a catheter.  OUCH!!!!!!!  Never again.  I even told the doctor that was NOT happening again.  Soon the doctor came in and said that I had lost my fluid around you and my body was trying to go into labor.  The rushed me via ambulance to a much more educated hospital.  They had told me during the ride that I could have an infection called Chorioamnionitis.  They also said it was rare and that more that likely I was just having an incompetent cervix and needed a cerclage.  I wish that was what it was.  

When I arrived at the hospital and lady doctor came into the room, examined me, looked at ultrasound results and told me that you were going to be born and not survive.  She was very cold about it and left the room.  I never saw her again.  I am glad I didn't.  From then on we had the best line of nurses and doctors.  They took great care of me and your dad.  Your dad was beside me the entire time.  He never left me.  

They began administering antibiotics right away and told me there was a high chance you would not make it.  They answered all of my questions.  Many of them cried for you.  They were hurt too. The next day, 2/16/2014 (my 33rd birthday), the contractions stopped and the doctor told me that it was possible for you to live inside me the rest of the time as you were and that you could very well me fine.  They were talking about sending me home on bed rest.  About 6 P.M. that day your dad left to get me P.F. Changs (my favorite) for my birthday.  When he got back I was in full on labor with you.  My body temperature shot up and so did my heart rate.  Your heart rate did the same.  At this time they told me that they were sure it was Chorio and they induced me.  I tried to fight it and they said that the infection could kill me too.  I was willing to take that chance but they pushed me along and induced me.  During the labor pains, I started to shake and I was freezing.  I started bleeding badly and my blood pressure dropped to a very scary level.  I was given a shot to help.  Then I was given morphine and an epidural to deliver you.  You were born, you did not cry, whimper or anything.  The nurse handed you to your dad.  He was one proud papa.  But he was very very sad.  My blood pressure dropped worse and the infection that was in the placenta started to spread inside me.  The placenta would not deliver and I was taken to the OR and it was removed from me.  At this point I was barely there mentally.  A few hours and a lot of medicine later I started coming around.  I held you the next two days.  Your dad and I transported you to the funeral home when I was released.

We had a beautiful funeral for you.  Lots of family and friends came.  We received cards, flowers, and presents galore.  Everyone really wanted you Claire.  Everyone loves your name and everyone loved everything you are.  Life is not fair Claire, I wanted you so bad.  I still do and I will never stop feeling like this.  I know I do not have the option to love you in a traditional manner but I am going to find ways to love you however I can.